Inside my head

On Jan 5th, I said "So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating." That pretty much sums up where I am still.

Here's what's on my mind now...

As a dear friend so eloquently put it, I seem to have a compulsion to kill myself slowly with food. It sounds dramatic, but just as in her own life, my family is riddled with Type II Diabetes on both sides. Cancer abounds (although I now understand that the raw food diet is no garauntee against cancer). Heart problems are an issue on my dad's side of the family. Considering my lifestyle, it doesn't seem to be a matter of if these things will be part of my own life, it's more like a matter of when. These truths weigh heavily on my heart & mind.

Also, the baby thing again. It doesn't jive with our religious beliefs to prevent pregnancy. Yet... if I were to find out I was expecting right now (I'm not) I know I would be thrilled. But wouldn't a lot of the joy be overshadowed by the fact that I'm 300 pounds? I've gone through two pregnancies at over 250 pounds. But that was 5 and 8 years ago! My body has been through a lot since then, mainly because of this weight I lug around. I'll be 35 in 2 months. My back hurts right now as I type this, and it hurts all the time! Who can blame it!? Anyway, I cannot imagine feeling very "well" through a pregnancy at this weight. I always have horrid morning noon & night sickness for the first 3 to 4 months. I need all the help I can get in the feeling great department. I'm one of those women who LOVE being pregnant! I don't want to feel lousy! >sigh< OK, so I can still say I feel healthy, I'm alright. I used to be that way. No, in recent years I'm pigging out on junk all the time. Soda every day, donuts twice a week, frozen yogurt twice a week, pizza, carbs, comfort foods..... I really am killing myself slowly with food. And I decide to continue doing it every hour of every day. :-(

These are the thoughts racing around in my head recently. I'm so tired of the battle. I'm so tired of not being who or what I know I should be. Why on earth does it have to be so hard for some of us? I'm not feeling self pity, I'm feeling anger! Maybe that's not so bad, since in my case, anger usually leads to action. But for now, these feelings suck!

Going back

I'm still in a funk over all this today. I've not made any healthy changes since my last post while drinking that green smoothie. But, as RawMama pointed out.....

I just pulled up the single post from yesterday and after re-reading all of my crying & whining and asking and pleading, there it was...

It's like it sat there at the bottom of my blog as an answer waiting to be seen. I was just too wrapped up in myself to notice it.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating.

When we know better, we're responsible to do better. But for a long time now, I've been guilty of knowing better & not doing any better. Choosing the wrong path while having the knowledge of the better path. That's a heavy sin to carry. So, I'll be going through some forgiveness to get back to that place. I know God has forgiven me. But I need to forgive myself & get started on doing the right thing again. God led me here, he'll bring me through it successfully again. I just need to have some quiet time with Him & not as much quiet time with myself.

First, I will go make a green smoothie for lunch, even though I had hot cocoa with marshmallows for breakfast.

Edited to Add: Quinn says num num num while a make green smoothies and claps while the Vita-Mix is running. :-) He loves them so much I had to stop adding flax meal because it was causing him to poop too much. :-/ Here's a couple pics of him. He has to have some before I drink any, and I took a pic of when he started just now, and when he finished. See how much he drank! He'll be back for more!

Happy New year

I am so incredibly frustrated with myself right now. Currently, I am sitting here with a miserable scowl on my face that I cannot seem to wipe off, sipping on a cold green smoothie that I do not want & trying to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the blog where perhaps they will stop tormenting me. Ugh. This is going to be another long, rambly post filled with me just spewing my feelings all over the place. I apologize in advance for that...consider yourself warned.

I didn't eat raw at all after we had that financial issue. I just took that opportunity to eat junk through the holidays. Great. Back up to 296, this must be my set point or whatever it's called. My default weight now. Within the last week I went back to drinking Dr. Pepper & Cherry Dr. Pepper at every meal, eating Twix candy bars whenever I felt like it, and making special trips here & there to grab this or that kind of food.

This morning, all I want is to drink a hot cup of coffee & ignore all the alarms going off in my head. :(

The last couple days I've developed a rash, and beginning last night it's gotten really painful & itchy. I have no idea what it's from or why it's here. My gut tells me it's some kind of response to the overload of sugar. This is the only reason I'm drinking this green smoothie. It tastes great, I just don't want it. *sigh* I really don't understand myself sometimes.

At night, I am FILLED with resolve. I know that I know that I know this is what I want- exercise, raw foods, juices, clean eating. Then, I wake up & I'm like a 6 year old who doesn't want to go to school. I feel tired, lazy, cold.... the list is endless really. And I have no desire whatsoever to do what I was so certain I wanted to do just 8 hours before. It's not temptation. It's like the resolve literally dissolved while I was asleep & I just wake up not caring. What is THAT!?!?! And how do I fix it?

Last night, Greg decided he needed to do some fixes, upgrades, etc on our main computer. It's set up with the big plasma tv as the monitor. When he switched it over to view the computer, the screen saver was showing a slideshow of photos from 2 years ago. Suddenly, we all stopped to stare at these memories. The girls were AMAZED that I now look SO different. Delaney was simply shocked. Not in a mean way, not in a hurtful way. She couldn't even find the words to explain it, she was just shocked. Mostly they just recalled the Christmas gifts that year, and the horseback riding at a festival, etc. But behind them, as Greg I sat on the couch staring in shocked silence, we were fighting back tears. Because we looked so vibrant & our girls were absolutely radiant with health & vitality! Greg looked over at me and just said "They looked so much healthier back then." They don't look bad now, but to have seen them that way, put it in perspective for us. How can someone who lived in such a healthy way, choose to not return to that? Especially for her children? Especially when my own parents are declining at young ages right in front of me? How is it that I don't care enough to improve?

Next, I went to take a shower. And this tame rash that was taking over the 3 days prior suddenly went nuts! It wasn't really bothering me before, but when the water hit my skin it started itching and burning. I wanted to claw my skin off! An hour later it was still raging. I fell asleep shuddering with pain! And I was praying about all of this clutter in my brain & fell asleep during my conversation with God, whoops.

Between the mesmerizing slideshow of what felt like a million years ago & the painful reality of my body screaming out for health...... Why on earth do I wake up today wanting coffee & donuts?

I just went shopping on Friday for junk. I have chips & dip in the house, soda, cookies & a Twix. Then Saturday I went shopping for all the stuff we should really be eating. Green smoothie ingredients, plain pita chips, hummus, celery, salad items. I told Greg as I put that stuff into the cart at Costco, "I don't have any desire to eat these foods."

Why am I so severely lacking in discipline? Why can't I eat these things & stay away from the other things just because I KNOW it's the right thing to do? Why does it have to be about how I feel?

I WANT to be able to go through a drive thru while we're out running errands. I WANT to be able to join in eating the pastries & coffee at church on Sunday morning. I WANT to be able to have a cup of hot cocoa & marshmallows whenever the mood strikes. (I sound like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum!!!!!)

I WANT to radiate health & peace. I WANT to have energy, I cannot remember EVER having energy. I WANT to stay at a weight that's healthy & feels good to me. I WANT to eat what I want & not be fat! I WANT to WANT these raw foods!!!!! I WANT to be healthier for my children. I WANT this mental battle to cease.

All these WANTS are clearly not compatible with each other. And they're all VERY strong desires. So what do I do? :(

One bite at a time, one meal at a time.... well, that's just not working for me. Like I said, I am SO frustrated with myself right now. Hopefully, getting all this out of my head will be a step in the right direction.

Going strong!

Dinner last night was lovely! The girls thought it was so neat to eat by candlelight. Greg thanked me a dozen times for such a nice meal. I didn't overeat, and I didn't relish every bite, thinking oh how I missed you pot roast! LOL Of course, I said it was Greg's favorite meal, not mine!

We had ice cream for dessert & I was able to use up & throw out 2 cartons of ice cream from the freezer. ;-) Won't be buying any more until it's someone's birthday. I didn't especially enjoy that either. Weird. You would think I would have just savored it! It wasn't yucky, but it wasn't the best thing ever either. Pretty cool!

Oh, but the bread... We had fresh warm bread with the pot roast & that was yummy. I'm a carbaholic. Didn't overeat though.

I woke up this morning and had a green smoothie. For lunch I had a head of celery! For dinner I'm having another green smoothie.

YAY! I didn't go spiraling down into the food abyss!!!

I have enough ingredients for tonight's green smoothie, and then that's it. I'm trying to scrounge up a few dollars (don't have much to sell!) to make a grocery run so I won't have to resort to all cooked. But even if I do, there's no junk in the house besides brownie mix, so it's not like I could get into too much trouble. I am determined to either stay on track, or get right back on it!!

I will make the healthiest choice possible in the moment.

I grab encouragement wherever I can get it, and getting right back to raw after last night's meal is encouraging to me! So are the comments! Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement, and advice!!! <3 I wonder how well it would have gone if I didn't have the accountability of this blog? When it goes beyond just an internal dialogue, I'm accountable to others & more motivated to stick with it!

I keep forgetting to mention this as well. When I first went raw back in 2007, I would sit down with my green smoothie at the computer & look at before & after pictures, websites with testimonials, and any videos I could find (there are A LOT more videos now). Doing that kept me inspired! Well, let me tell you what the most incredible inspiration is right now when I do that...... THIS BLOG!!!! It's so cool to look back at the posts from then and see those pictures & read the numbers going down! I have to say to myself, you can do this- you already DID this!!! Of course I wish I hadn't gotten morbidly obese again. But I'm so glad I have this record of that journey to inspire MYSELF on this new journey!!!!! How awesome!!!!

I think I can, I think I can...

Well, it is harder this time. The raw foods don't sound as good to me as I had hoped. I tried the broccoli dish I was excited about in the dehydrator & I could barely eat it. I'm lacking ingredients to try much else. So green smoothies & salads & fruit have been my mainstays.

Its also tough because I'm not eating raw on special occasions. Like Friday, the 4th, was my oldest daughter's birthday, so I ate with them. I had a piece of her cake as well. That spiraled into Saturday because I was super busy & had no time to prepare anything, and why not, I had cooked food the day before...? I was determined to get back on track Sunday & I did. But it wasn't easy.

I've stayed raw since then, but tonight is a very special occasion too. It's been 15 years since our first date. :) It may seem silly to celebrate that, but it's super important to us. After that night we were inseparable & it really marked the start of our life together. I made a pot roast for Greg, his favorite meal, and he would like me to eat with them. Not at all in a sabotaging, unsupportive way. Just like Christmas, it doesn't sound as good to him if he knows I'm not eating too. I can understand this. It's part of why we felt so isolated when we went raw last time.

My concern, once again, is that I'm so darn "all or nothing". I so wish that I was more balanced & could just have a cooked meal now & then without worrying that I'll downspiral into junk food oblivion! Is there a class or a self help book that explains why some people are like this & what can be done to fix it?

I would say that after I have this celebratory dinner tonight that I will go right back to 100% raw first thing in the morning. But... and please understand this is really embarassing to say- I considered just leaving this out & not blogging about the next weeks food choices. But i always strive for full disclosure so... We are completely broke, and I have maybe one more day (if I stretch it) of raw food left to eat. We live VERY paycheck to paycheck & we said back when we were all raw before, that we could never afford to have part of the family raw & part cooked. It's just way too expensive. This is proving to be the case. And we don't even buy very much organic! Not as much as we should, it's just too pricey. I haven't been able to get any staples of a raw food pantry such as almond butter, coconut oil, raw nuts of any sort, coconut butter, etc. My choices for eating have been very slim. And now, I'm running out of frozen fruits for green smoothies, as well as the greens themselves. I use the same greens for salads, so there goes that. I have 3 apples left, a bag of clementines, & 6 bananas. We get paid NEXT Wednesday. I know, it's pathetic to live like that, but this is where we are right now, and we're doing our best. We have lots of frozen ground beef, chicken, and plenty of veggies in the freezer for times like this, and I guess I'll just have to eat those foods for now.

I just don't want to get too discouraged. The transition back to this lifestyle is being tough enough without running out of money & it being right smack in the middle of the holidays.

I'm still at 290, which is understandable.

I miss the way I had such freedom last time. Just knowing that if it wasn't raw, I couldn't eat it, that's it, no question. And the rest of my family was doing the same. My kitchen was a raw kitchen, nothing there to tempt us. Eating raw on special occasions was no big deal for me then. But I'm going to stay positive, and determined, come what may!!! :-)

So far so good!

I went 100% raw on Friday. Turns out I just didn't want to dibble dabble any longer, so the morning after Thanksgiving I just went for it! So today is day 5, and it's going great!

This time around I'm having to cook for the kids & sometimes the hubby, so that's interesting. I'm only tempted to have some when I let myself get super hungry. But I have resisted, and I'll continue to stay strong! :-) The smells are tough!

It's important to me that we all eat dinner together. That's a challenge now because I'm fixing 3 different meals! The kids don't want anything raw for dinner, Greg has had 2 nights of raw, 1 night of cooked vegan, and 1 night of eating what the kids had so far. I've had smoothies mainly. The smoothies are quick to prepare, but the rest of the family are waiting on me at the table with their food to join them! One night I had a nut pate' and that took a while. I'm hoping that with practice & planning I'll get a routine down & we'll be able to eat together without me getting too stressed!

Because I still have to use the stove & oven this time, I can't use the cover we made for it to sit the dehydrator on. I think we're going to give away our 10 gallon fish tank to make a spot for it. We'll miss our fishies, but Greg & I have gone over the kitchen several times & there's just no more room. And I hate that there's a $300 Excaliber dehydrator sitting in our closet while I'm wondering what else I can eat!!! I need to get some yummy variety going, and the dehydrator really helps with that. I know it will help Greg stay high raw also, he loved the dehydrator goodies. Dehydrating raw recipes at under 118 degrees, keeps the enzymes alive & "raw"! I had a chocolate cracker recipe that Greg loved, & he's waiting to have again! I also had a marinated broccoli dish in a sweet & spicy asian sauce that I can't wait to enjoy!!! The dehydrator gets the broccoli slightly softened & warm. Yum!

For now, I'm mostly having LOTS of green smoothies, a salad or two, and fruit. :-)

Oh, I almost forgot! We tried a raw restaurant on Sunday that Greg & really enjoyed! The kids didn't like it even one little bit though. Not sure how often we'll be able to afford it, but glad to know it's close & yummy! Our favorite raw restaurant is about 45 minutes away. It's been so long since we've been there. I'm amazed at how blessed we are to have 2 raw restaurants so close to us!!!

Today will be interesting, as I have several errands to run & would typically be going to a drive thru for me & the kids for lunch. I guess I'll still do that for them, but I'll have to stay strong & just deal with the hungries! I can do it!

So far, God has answered my prayers once again & taken away the insane junk food cravings that were tormenting me. I am SO thankful for that & I'm not messing that up by eating any of it!!!!

Today I weighed in at 290, so that's 8 pounds released & 125 to go!

Quick update!

So, I'm just going to type out a few stats real quick, before I lose track of them! :)

I got brave & weighed myself on Sunday, Nov 22 & it was 298. I was very suprised that it wasn't higher!

Today, Nov 25, it's 295. My goal is 165, so I need to lose 130 pounds.

Monday I had a green smoothie for breakfast & a raw lunch of cucumbers, avocado, yellow bell pepper, tomato, garlic, sea salt & tiny drizzle of olive oil. For dinner I had salad at a buffet restaurant, where I also had chicken pot pie soup & dessert. This dessert was one of those things I really wanted to have before going raw again, so that's why we went there.

On Tuesday I started 95% raw, all vegan, no sugar, plenty of green smoothies. Still doing that today.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I'll see how it goes. I'm not going to pressure myself, but I'm not going to create a slippery slope for myself either. Greg is being very supportive, and eating about the same as I am, with a little meat thrown in here & there.

In a few days, I'll be going 100% raw vegan. YAY!

Just a matter of time

Like I've been saying for a while... I'm coming to place, where I feel the need to return to raw.

I know, I've been saying it for too long. It's about time I actually arrive at that place & make that change!

The place where I find myself now is the point where I feel like I want to feel better, more than I want to taste a certain food. That tipping point where the health & the shape & the size feel more important than the instant gratification of whatever it is I'm craving at the moment. It's sad that I have to get so big, and so unhealthy, to reach that tipping point.

I don't *know* that I'm unhealthy, I have no actual health probelms, or diagnosis. BUT, I am so out of shape & get out of breath easily. Diabetes runs in my family something fierce, as does cancer. So, I kind of think of all those illnesses in terms of when, not if. The raw lifestyle might change that reality though.

I think I'm right around 300 pounds. I'm a little concerned about knowing for sure. I'm worried that if I see that number on the scale something might break inside. I saw the scale go to 299 when I was at the end of my second pregnancy. But never saw it go over that. Maybe it would be a good thing to see it? Maybe it would kick my arse into the gear it needs to get into?!

I'm completely addicted to junk again, I haven't had a glass of water in weeks. A glass of water folks!!!! It makes me wonder who the heck I am. How can I know all the things I know & make those kinds of choices. I've been drinking soda like I'll never be able to have it again! And candy bars (Twix to be exact), coffee, mexican food, drive thru lunches. It's just gross. There were lines I said I wouldn't cross when I went back to cooked foods. I did ok with that for a few weeks. But it seems like as soon as I broke that promise to myself, probably the first soda I drank, it was all over. I dove off the cliff. The amount of weight I've gained since Easter 2008 is crazy!

When I began my raw journey August 13, 2007 I was 265, so I'm starting this way above where I started before. What else is different this time? Well, I said over & over back then how thankful I was that my family was on board. That I couldn't imagine doing it without them. Now we'll see just how I do it. Greg wants to eat healthier, but has no desire to go 100% raw again. My kids will certainly eat healthier as I eat healthier, but they aren't going to sweetly comply to eat all raw again either! So, now I'll see what it's like to eat raw but still cook, and still smell the foods I crave while I stand firm and choose not to eat them. Exercise is going to be different as well. I said a few times, the weight I lost was all diet change, I never did more than take a liesurely walk now & then. I wasn't proud of that though! I don't want to be lazy anymore! I would love to give my kids an example of true health. Not just extremes. Extreme laziness is all they've seen from me. :(

I've waited this long because I know me, and I know that I couldn't do this back & forth style. Raw was freedom to me at the time, and going back before I was really ready to surrender, would mean going off & on, failure & success, etc. The raw lifestyle isn't a diet to me, and I couldn't let it become that in my mind. I want my experience to be different, That's what it was back in 2007/2008, and I don't want to mess it up. If I do, I'll see it in my mind like any other diet & I will not succeed. I just know myself well enough to know that. So yea, I've waited too long, but I'm sure there's a reason. Because all this time, since I fell down that slippery slope during my pregnancy with Quinn, I KNEW I would be back. But I also knew it had to be right when I came back.

I lost 85 pounds in 7 months of 100% raw. I've gained 115 pounds in 19 months since then. So, now I need to lose 150 pounds.

I know this post seems rambly. I guess I'm trying to throw all of these random thoughts together, and perhaps they're not very cohesive! Sorry about that!

As soon as I get my VitaMix back (it's on loan to someone who really does need it more than me, believe it or not) I'm back in the Radiantly Raw life guys. I'm anxious, I'm nervous, and I'm a little bit excited. :)

A photo

Easter photo 2009

Spring has sprung!

We're doing okay around here! Quinn is doing great!

We're about to go on our vacation next week. I've been getting things in order to be gone for 9 or 10 days! This will be our first road trip with a baby!! We're very excited!!

I can feel myself coming to a place where I've got to get a handle on this food / weight thing. I feel like I went off the deep end months ago, and I'm finally coming to the surface, gasping for air & being hit with the reality of just how far down I am. Yuck.

It was Good Friday last year when I prayerfully stopped my 7 month long 100% raw diet. If you remember, I did that with a LOT of dread. All my fears have come to pass. I didn't focus on those fears, I just went with the flow, but here's where the flow has brought me! I think the past year has been strange. So many things were absolutely perfect & so very joyful, but my health has gone downhill, and my weight has risen steadily. It's such a contradiction! I feel a little lost in it all & a bit fuzzy headed about it.

So, I know myself well enough to know that after 10 days of eating out while on vacation I'm going to be quite sick of unhealthy standard American food. So, I'm coming full circle. Last year Easter was the day I started eating meat, sweet tea, etc. This year on Easter I start the road back to health. I'll be careful, since I'm breastfeeding and don't want to detox too drastically for Quinn's sake. But enough is enough & I am WAY past enough. I think at this point I've gained about 90 pounds in the last 12 months.

Christine, thank you for your faithfulness, hun! I honestly don't know if I would update even half as often as I do without a gentle nudge from you now and then!! Isn't that terrible!! Well, see, I don't know how to load photos onto my laptop, and I don't like updating without a picture!! But I saw your comment today & said just do it anyway! Stop putting it off. Christine is going to check in & see that same old post again!!!!! LOL! So I took a webcam shot right on the laptop!! Haha!When Greg gets home I'll have him do the upload so I can replace that first photo with some much better recent photos of my little guy!!

In the meantime, here's a webcam pic from when I first got my laptop last Feb and one taken today. Now, I look REALLY rough today, not even a shower! So you know I'm getting brutally honest with myself if I'm posting this photo!!!! Time to pull my head out of the sand and take a long hard look at what I've done to myself! That's not as easy as it sounds.