Inside my head

On Jan 5th, I said "So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating." That pretty much sums up where I am still.

Here's what's on my mind now...

As a dear friend so eloquently put it, I seem to have a compulsion to kill myself slowly with food. It sounds dramatic, but just as in her own life, my family is riddled with Type II Diabetes on both sides. Cancer abounds (although I now understand that the raw food diet is no garauntee against cancer). Heart problems are an issue on my dad's side of the family. Considering my lifestyle, it doesn't seem to be a matter of if these things will be part of my own life, it's more like a matter of when. These truths weigh heavily on my heart & mind.

Also, the baby thing again. It doesn't jive with our religious beliefs to prevent pregnancy. Yet... if I were to find out I was expecting right now (I'm not) I know I would be thrilled. But wouldn't a lot of the joy be overshadowed by the fact that I'm 300 pounds? I've gone through two pregnancies at over 250 pounds. But that was 5 and 8 years ago! My body has been through a lot since then, mainly because of this weight I lug around. I'll be 35 in 2 months. My back hurts right now as I type this, and it hurts all the time! Who can blame it!? Anyway, I cannot imagine feeling very "well" through a pregnancy at this weight. I always have horrid morning noon & night sickness for the first 3 to 4 months. I need all the help I can get in the feeling great department. I'm one of those women who LOVE being pregnant! I don't want to feel lousy! >sigh< OK, so I can still say I feel healthy, I'm alright. I used to be that way. No, in recent years I'm pigging out on junk all the time. Soda every day, donuts twice a week, frozen yogurt twice a week, pizza, carbs, comfort foods..... I really am killing myself slowly with food. And I decide to continue doing it every hour of every day. :-(

These are the thoughts racing around in my head recently. I'm so tired of the battle. I'm so tired of not being who or what I know I should be. Why on earth does it have to be so hard for some of us? I'm not feeling self pity, I'm feeling anger! Maybe that's not so bad, since in my case, anger usually leads to action. But for now, these feelings suck!

Going back

I'm still in a funk over all this today. I've not made any healthy changes since my last post while drinking that green smoothie. But, as RawMama pointed out.....

I just pulled up the single post from yesterday and after re-reading all of my crying & whining and asking and pleading, there it was...

It's like it sat there at the bottom of my blog as an answer waiting to be seen. I was just too wrapped up in myself to notice it.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating.

When we know better, we're responsible to do better. But for a long time now, I've been guilty of knowing better & not doing any better. Choosing the wrong path while having the knowledge of the better path. That's a heavy sin to carry. So, I'll be going through some forgiveness to get back to that place. I know God has forgiven me. But I need to forgive myself & get started on doing the right thing again. God led me here, he'll bring me through it successfully again. I just need to have some quiet time with Him & not as much quiet time with myself.

First, I will go make a green smoothie for lunch, even though I had hot cocoa with marshmallows for breakfast.

Edited to Add: Quinn says num num num while a make green smoothies and claps while the Vita-Mix is running. :-) He loves them so much I had to stop adding flax meal because it was causing him to poop too much. :-/ Here's a couple pics of him. He has to have some before I drink any, and I took a pic of when he started just now, and when he finished. See how much he drank! He'll be back for more!

Happy New year

I am so incredibly frustrated with myself right now. Currently, I am sitting here with a miserable scowl on my face that I cannot seem to wipe off, sipping on a cold green smoothie that I do not want & trying to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the blog where perhaps they will stop tormenting me. Ugh. This is going to be another long, rambly post filled with me just spewing my feelings all over the place. I apologize in advance for that...consider yourself warned.

I didn't eat raw at all after we had that financial issue. I just took that opportunity to eat junk through the holidays. Great. Back up to 296, this must be my set point or whatever it's called. My default weight now. Within the last week I went back to drinking Dr. Pepper & Cherry Dr. Pepper at every meal, eating Twix candy bars whenever I felt like it, and making special trips here & there to grab this or that kind of food.

This morning, all I want is to drink a hot cup of coffee & ignore all the alarms going off in my head. :(

The last couple days I've developed a rash, and beginning last night it's gotten really painful & itchy. I have no idea what it's from or why it's here. My gut tells me it's some kind of response to the overload of sugar. This is the only reason I'm drinking this green smoothie. It tastes great, I just don't want it. *sigh* I really don't understand myself sometimes.

At night, I am FILLED with resolve. I know that I know that I know this is what I want- exercise, raw foods, juices, clean eating. Then, I wake up & I'm like a 6 year old who doesn't want to go to school. I feel tired, lazy, cold.... the list is endless really. And I have no desire whatsoever to do what I was so certain I wanted to do just 8 hours before. It's not temptation. It's like the resolve literally dissolved while I was asleep & I just wake up not caring. What is THAT!?!?! And how do I fix it?

Last night, Greg decided he needed to do some fixes, upgrades, etc on our main computer. It's set up with the big plasma tv as the monitor. When he switched it over to view the computer, the screen saver was showing a slideshow of photos from 2 years ago. Suddenly, we all stopped to stare at these memories. The girls were AMAZED that I now look SO different. Delaney was simply shocked. Not in a mean way, not in a hurtful way. She couldn't even find the words to explain it, she was just shocked. Mostly they just recalled the Christmas gifts that year, and the horseback riding at a festival, etc. But behind them, as Greg I sat on the couch staring in shocked silence, we were fighting back tears. Because we looked so vibrant & our girls were absolutely radiant with health & vitality! Greg looked over at me and just said "They looked so much healthier back then." They don't look bad now, but to have seen them that way, put it in perspective for us. How can someone who lived in such a healthy way, choose to not return to that? Especially for her children? Especially when my own parents are declining at young ages right in front of me? How is it that I don't care enough to improve?

Next, I went to take a shower. And this tame rash that was taking over the 3 days prior suddenly went nuts! It wasn't really bothering me before, but when the water hit my skin it started itching and burning. I wanted to claw my skin off! An hour later it was still raging. I fell asleep shuddering with pain! And I was praying about all of this clutter in my brain & fell asleep during my conversation with God, whoops.

Between the mesmerizing slideshow of what felt like a million years ago & the painful reality of my body screaming out for health...... Why on earth do I wake up today wanting coffee & donuts?

I just went shopping on Friday for junk. I have chips & dip in the house, soda, cookies & a Twix. Then Saturday I went shopping for all the stuff we should really be eating. Green smoothie ingredients, plain pita chips, hummus, celery, salad items. I told Greg as I put that stuff into the cart at Costco, "I don't have any desire to eat these foods."

Why am I so severely lacking in discipline? Why can't I eat these things & stay away from the other things just because I KNOW it's the right thing to do? Why does it have to be about how I feel?

I WANT to be able to go through a drive thru while we're out running errands. I WANT to be able to join in eating the pastries & coffee at church on Sunday morning. I WANT to be able to have a cup of hot cocoa & marshmallows whenever the mood strikes. (I sound like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum!!!!!)

I WANT to radiate health & peace. I WANT to have energy, I cannot remember EVER having energy. I WANT to stay at a weight that's healthy & feels good to me. I WANT to eat what I want & not be fat! I WANT to WANT these raw foods!!!!! I WANT to be healthier for my children. I WANT this mental battle to cease.

All these WANTS are clearly not compatible with each other. And they're all VERY strong desires. So what do I do? :(

One bite at a time, one meal at a time.... well, that's just not working for me. Like I said, I am SO frustrated with myself right now. Hopefully, getting all this out of my head will be a step in the right direction.

Going strong!

Dinner last night was lovely! The girls thought it was so neat to eat by candlelight. Greg thanked me a dozen times for such a nice meal. I didn't overeat, and I didn't relish every bite, thinking oh how I missed you pot roast! LOL Of course, I said it was Greg's favorite meal, not mine!

We had ice cream for dessert & I was able to use up & throw out 2 cartons of ice cream from the freezer. ;-) Won't be buying any more until it's someone's birthday. I didn't especially enjoy that either. Weird. You would think I would have just savored it! It wasn't yucky, but it wasn't the best thing ever either. Pretty cool!

Oh, but the bread... We had fresh warm bread with the pot roast & that was yummy. I'm a carbaholic. Didn't overeat though.

I woke up this morning and had a green smoothie. For lunch I had a head of celery! For dinner I'm having another green smoothie.

YAY! I didn't go spiraling down into the food abyss!!!

I have enough ingredients for tonight's green smoothie, and then that's it. I'm trying to scrounge up a few dollars (don't have much to sell!) to make a grocery run so I won't have to resort to all cooked. But even if I do, there's no junk in the house besides brownie mix, so it's not like I could get into too much trouble. I am determined to either stay on track, or get right back on it!!

I will make the healthiest choice possible in the moment.

I grab encouragement wherever I can get it, and getting right back to raw after last night's meal is encouraging to me! So are the comments! Thank you all so much for your support, encouragement, and advice!!! <3 I wonder how well it would have gone if I didn't have the accountability of this blog? When it goes beyond just an internal dialogue, I'm accountable to others & more motivated to stick with it!

I keep forgetting to mention this as well. When I first went raw back in 2007, I would sit down with my green smoothie at the computer & look at before & after pictures, websites with testimonials, and any videos I could find (there are A LOT more videos now). Doing that kept me inspired! Well, let me tell you what the most incredible inspiration is right now when I do that...... THIS BLOG!!!! It's so cool to look back at the posts from then and see those pictures & read the numbers going down! I have to say to myself, you can do this- you already DID this!!! Of course I wish I hadn't gotten morbidly obese again. But I'm so glad I have this record of that journey to inspire MYSELF on this new journey!!!!! How awesome!!!!

I think I can, I think I can...

Well, it is harder this time. The raw foods don't sound as good to me as I had hoped. I tried the broccoli dish I was excited about in the dehydrator & I could barely eat it. I'm lacking ingredients to try much else. So green smoothies & salads & fruit have been my mainstays.

Its also tough because I'm not eating raw on special occasions. Like Friday, the 4th, was my oldest daughter's birthday, so I ate with them. I had a piece of her cake as well. That spiraled into Saturday because I was super busy & had no time to prepare anything, and why not, I had cooked food the day before...? I was determined to get back on track Sunday & I did. But it wasn't easy.

I've stayed raw since then, but tonight is a very special occasion too. It's been 15 years since our first date. :) It may seem silly to celebrate that, but it's super important to us. After that night we were inseparable & it really marked the start of our life together. I made a pot roast for Greg, his favorite meal, and he would like me to eat with them. Not at all in a sabotaging, unsupportive way. Just like Christmas, it doesn't sound as good to him if he knows I'm not eating too. I can understand this. It's part of why we felt so isolated when we went raw last time.

My concern, once again, is that I'm so darn "all or nothing". I so wish that I was more balanced & could just have a cooked meal now & then without worrying that I'll downspiral into junk food oblivion! Is there a class or a self help book that explains why some people are like this & what can be done to fix it?

I would say that after I have this celebratory dinner tonight that I will go right back to 100% raw first thing in the morning. But... and please understand this is really embarassing to say- I considered just leaving this out & not blogging about the next weeks food choices. But i always strive for full disclosure so... We are completely broke, and I have maybe one more day (if I stretch it) of raw food left to eat. We live VERY paycheck to paycheck & we said back when we were all raw before, that we could never afford to have part of the family raw & part cooked. It's just way too expensive. This is proving to be the case. And we don't even buy very much organic! Not as much as we should, it's just too pricey. I haven't been able to get any staples of a raw food pantry such as almond butter, coconut oil, raw nuts of any sort, coconut butter, etc. My choices for eating have been very slim. And now, I'm running out of frozen fruits for green smoothies, as well as the greens themselves. I use the same greens for salads, so there goes that. I have 3 apples left, a bag of clementines, & 6 bananas. We get paid NEXT Wednesday. I know, it's pathetic to live like that, but this is where we are right now, and we're doing our best. We have lots of frozen ground beef, chicken, and plenty of veggies in the freezer for times like this, and I guess I'll just have to eat those foods for now.

I just don't want to get too discouraged. The transition back to this lifestyle is being tough enough without running out of money & it being right smack in the middle of the holidays.

I'm still at 290, which is understandable.

I miss the way I had such freedom last time. Just knowing that if it wasn't raw, I couldn't eat it, that's it, no question. And the rest of my family was doing the same. My kitchen was a raw kitchen, nothing there to tempt us. Eating raw on special occasions was no big deal for me then. But I'm going to stay positive, and determined, come what may!!! :-)

So far so good!

I went 100% raw on Friday. Turns out I just didn't want to dibble dabble any longer, so the morning after Thanksgiving I just went for it! So today is day 5, and it's going great!

This time around I'm having to cook for the kids & sometimes the hubby, so that's interesting. I'm only tempted to have some when I let myself get super hungry. But I have resisted, and I'll continue to stay strong! :-) The smells are tough!

It's important to me that we all eat dinner together. That's a challenge now because I'm fixing 3 different meals! The kids don't want anything raw for dinner, Greg has had 2 nights of raw, 1 night of cooked vegan, and 1 night of eating what the kids had so far. I've had smoothies mainly. The smoothies are quick to prepare, but the rest of the family are waiting on me at the table with their food to join them! One night I had a nut pate' and that took a while. I'm hoping that with practice & planning I'll get a routine down & we'll be able to eat together without me getting too stressed!

Because I still have to use the stove & oven this time, I can't use the cover we made for it to sit the dehydrator on. I think we're going to give away our 10 gallon fish tank to make a spot for it. We'll miss our fishies, but Greg & I have gone over the kitchen several times & there's just no more room. And I hate that there's a $300 Excaliber dehydrator sitting in our closet while I'm wondering what else I can eat!!! I need to get some yummy variety going, and the dehydrator really helps with that. I know it will help Greg stay high raw also, he loved the dehydrator goodies. Dehydrating raw recipes at under 118 degrees, keeps the enzymes alive & "raw"! I had a chocolate cracker recipe that Greg loved, & he's waiting to have again! I also had a marinated broccoli dish in a sweet & spicy asian sauce that I can't wait to enjoy!!! The dehydrator gets the broccoli slightly softened & warm. Yum!

For now, I'm mostly having LOTS of green smoothies, a salad or two, and fruit. :-)

Oh, I almost forgot! We tried a raw restaurant on Sunday that Greg & really enjoyed! The kids didn't like it even one little bit though. Not sure how often we'll be able to afford it, but glad to know it's close & yummy! Our favorite raw restaurant is about 45 minutes away. It's been so long since we've been there. I'm amazed at how blessed we are to have 2 raw restaurants so close to us!!!

Today will be interesting, as I have several errands to run & would typically be going to a drive thru for me & the kids for lunch. I guess I'll still do that for them, but I'll have to stay strong & just deal with the hungries! I can do it!

So far, God has answered my prayers once again & taken away the insane junk food cravings that were tormenting me. I am SO thankful for that & I'm not messing that up by eating any of it!!!!

Today I weighed in at 290, so that's 8 pounds released & 125 to go!

Quick update!

So, I'm just going to type out a few stats real quick, before I lose track of them! :)

I got brave & weighed myself on Sunday, Nov 22 & it was 298. I was very suprised that it wasn't higher!

Today, Nov 25, it's 295. My goal is 165, so I need to lose 130 pounds.

Monday I had a green smoothie for breakfast & a raw lunch of cucumbers, avocado, yellow bell pepper, tomato, garlic, sea salt & tiny drizzle of olive oil. For dinner I had salad at a buffet restaurant, where I also had chicken pot pie soup & dessert. This dessert was one of those things I really wanted to have before going raw again, so that's why we went there.

On Tuesday I started 95% raw, all vegan, no sugar, plenty of green smoothies. Still doing that today.

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and I'll see how it goes. I'm not going to pressure myself, but I'm not going to create a slippery slope for myself either. Greg is being very supportive, and eating about the same as I am, with a little meat thrown in here & there.

In a few days, I'll be going 100% raw vegan. YAY!

Just a matter of time

Like I've been saying for a while... I'm coming to place, where I feel the need to return to raw.

I know, I've been saying it for too long. It's about time I actually arrive at that place & make that change!

The place where I find myself now is the point where I feel like I want to feel better, more than I want to taste a certain food. That tipping point where the health & the shape & the size feel more important than the instant gratification of whatever it is I'm craving at the moment. It's sad that I have to get so big, and so unhealthy, to reach that tipping point.

I don't *know* that I'm unhealthy, I have no actual health probelms, or diagnosis. BUT, I am so out of shape & get out of breath easily. Diabetes runs in my family something fierce, as does cancer. So, I kind of think of all those illnesses in terms of when, not if. The raw lifestyle might change that reality though.

I think I'm right around 300 pounds. I'm a little concerned about knowing for sure. I'm worried that if I see that number on the scale something might break inside. I saw the scale go to 299 when I was at the end of my second pregnancy. But never saw it go over that. Maybe it would be a good thing to see it? Maybe it would kick my arse into the gear it needs to get into?!

I'm completely addicted to junk again, I haven't had a glass of water in weeks. A glass of water folks!!!! It makes me wonder who the heck I am. How can I know all the things I know & make those kinds of choices. I've been drinking soda like I'll never be able to have it again! And candy bars (Twix to be exact), coffee, mexican food, drive thru lunches. It's just gross. There were lines I said I wouldn't cross when I went back to cooked foods. I did ok with that for a few weeks. But it seems like as soon as I broke that promise to myself, probably the first soda I drank, it was all over. I dove off the cliff. The amount of weight I've gained since Easter 2008 is crazy!

When I began my raw journey August 13, 2007 I was 265, so I'm starting this way above where I started before. What else is different this time? Well, I said over & over back then how thankful I was that my family was on board. That I couldn't imagine doing it without them. Now we'll see just how I do it. Greg wants to eat healthier, but has no desire to go 100% raw again. My kids will certainly eat healthier as I eat healthier, but they aren't going to sweetly comply to eat all raw again either! So, now I'll see what it's like to eat raw but still cook, and still smell the foods I crave while I stand firm and choose not to eat them. Exercise is going to be different as well. I said a few times, the weight I lost was all diet change, I never did more than take a liesurely walk now & then. I wasn't proud of that though! I don't want to be lazy anymore! I would love to give my kids an example of true health. Not just extremes. Extreme laziness is all they've seen from me. :(

I've waited this long because I know me, and I know that I couldn't do this back & forth style. Raw was freedom to me at the time, and going back before I was really ready to surrender, would mean going off & on, failure & success, etc. The raw lifestyle isn't a diet to me, and I couldn't let it become that in my mind. I want my experience to be different, That's what it was back in 2007/2008, and I don't want to mess it up. If I do, I'll see it in my mind like any other diet & I will not succeed. I just know myself well enough to know that. So yea, I've waited too long, but I'm sure there's a reason. Because all this time, since I fell down that slippery slope during my pregnancy with Quinn, I KNEW I would be back. But I also knew it had to be right when I came back.

I lost 85 pounds in 7 months of 100% raw. I've gained 115 pounds in 19 months since then. So, now I need to lose 150 pounds.

I know this post seems rambly. I guess I'm trying to throw all of these random thoughts together, and perhaps they're not very cohesive! Sorry about that!

As soon as I get my VitaMix back (it's on loan to someone who really does need it more than me, believe it or not) I'm back in the Radiantly Raw life guys. I'm anxious, I'm nervous, and I'm a little bit excited. :)

A photo

Easter photo 2009

Spring has sprung!

We're doing okay around here! Quinn is doing great!

We're about to go on our vacation next week. I've been getting things in order to be gone for 9 or 10 days! This will be our first road trip with a baby!! We're very excited!!

I can feel myself coming to a place where I've got to get a handle on this food / weight thing. I feel like I went off the deep end months ago, and I'm finally coming to the surface, gasping for air & being hit with the reality of just how far down I am. Yuck.

It was Good Friday last year when I prayerfully stopped my 7 month long 100% raw diet. If you remember, I did that with a LOT of dread. All my fears have come to pass. I didn't focus on those fears, I just went with the flow, but here's where the flow has brought me! I think the past year has been strange. So many things were absolutely perfect & so very joyful, but my health has gone downhill, and my weight has risen steadily. It's such a contradiction! I feel a little lost in it all & a bit fuzzy headed about it.

So, I know myself well enough to know that after 10 days of eating out while on vacation I'm going to be quite sick of unhealthy standard American food. So, I'm coming full circle. Last year Easter was the day I started eating meat, sweet tea, etc. This year on Easter I start the road back to health. I'll be careful, since I'm breastfeeding and don't want to detox too drastically for Quinn's sake. But enough is enough & I am WAY past enough. I think at this point I've gained about 90 pounds in the last 12 months.

Christine, thank you for your faithfulness, hun! I honestly don't know if I would update even half as often as I do without a gentle nudge from you now and then!! Isn't that terrible!! Well, see, I don't know how to load photos onto my laptop, and I don't like updating without a picture!! But I saw your comment today & said just do it anyway! Stop putting it off. Christine is going to check in & see that same old post again!!!!! LOL! So I took a webcam shot right on the laptop!! Haha!When Greg gets home I'll have him do the upload so I can replace that first photo with some much better recent photos of my little guy!!

In the meantime, here's a webcam pic from when I first got my laptop last Feb and one taken today. Now, I look REALLY rough today, not even a shower! So you know I'm getting brutally honest with myself if I'm posting this photo!!!! Time to pull my head out of the sand and take a long hard look at what I've done to myself! That's not as easy as it sounds.

Where am I now?

Here's my little 2 month old! :o) Oh, he's so precious!!! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has been hectic! Quinn is delightful, and a really good little guy! He's amazingly low maintenance and pretty laid back. :o) But with home schooling and trying to get stuff done during his naps, time just flies by. I'm lucky to get a shower every other day! Ha! Wow, I can't even believe it's been two months!

I have not gone back to raw. It makes me very sad, but I guess I was so sick when I left the raw path that even thinking about those types of foods makes me feel ill even now. The only thing that sounds good are green smoothies (but I haven't made one, it just sounds like I might be able to stomach it), cantaloupe, watermelon, and pineapple. :o( I feel absolutely no conviction at all about going back to raw. That surprises me! I thought I would jump right back into it. ???

Besides life being busy, I haven't really wanted to put myself out here again given my current weight & un-rawness. I mean, I'm far from radiantly raw right now! So I guess I've been hiding in a way. Taking the easy way out and just avoiding my blog.

I gained a LOT of weight during the pregnancy, and now, with Quinn being 9 weeks old today, I feel like I can talk about my disappointment with that. I truly don't want to take away from the bliss I feel from his birth, and from the pregnancy in general though. I'm so incredibly blessed and feel so much gratitude! However, I just feel like the weight thing was out of my control, and I didn't like feeling that way. I didn't like worrying about it during the pregnancy. I didn't go overboard, but the weight just came back steadily regardless.

None of my shirts fit me at all! I've been staying home because I gave away all of my larger sized clothes as I lost weight because I was determined to never be back at this size!

I currently weigh 260 pounds. That's only 5 pounds shy of when I started my raw journey. :o( I fit perfectly into my "before" pants in my pictures. Ugh. Greg weighs 218. There are no words to express how I feel about this. Just... well, no words.... Thinking about it makes me really sad. Not thinking about it makes me feel like I'm in denial and not being fully present.

I've been praying about where to go from here. I want to be healthy, and I felt better when I was thinner. And I want to make sure that I haven't undone the healing that was done in my body during my 7 months raw. I never did get to my goal weight, but I felt better at 185 than I do right now. I just don't want to be obsessed with it. I have this great little guy to enjoy, and they're only tiny & squishy once! I want to focus on my kids, and enjoy them- not worry about food all day long. But, I don't want to just stay at this level either.

Anyway, there's my story. Thank you for keeping up with my life! I'm really hoping I get a clue soon about what's next!

Quinn has arrived!!

He's here!!! He was born yesterday at 2:57pm. :o) We're both doing great!!

He was delivered in route to the birth center! In the front passenger seat of our minivan!!! We were on our way to to our midwife to continue laboring until I was ready to head to the hospital, where I had to be in order to be allowed to attempt a VBAC. Less than 3 hours earlier I was only 1-2 cm dilated! But he had other plans. Lol! It was an incredibly peaceful entrance, no one panicked, and he was so perfect! Greg couldn't even pull over, or stop!

I'm thrilled that I never had to go to the hospital at all! Any "risk" from vbac'ing was gone already and we got to stay at the birth center!

We were home 3 hours later & we're doing so well. I can't believe how perfectly it turned out after all. :o) He was 9 lbs 3 ounces. And I never pushed at all, my body took over and I was just along for the ride! What an experience!

So, I had a successful VBAC, my first unmedicated birth, delivered him myself, and got to be at the birth center!!!!! Words cannot describe our joy & gratitude about it all. God's plans are amazing. I am in awe of how He worked it all out! He granted me the desires of my heart in every single way. :o)

Counting down to meeting our newest addition!

So, 2 weeks or less!! The due date is Nov 7, but my youngest daughter came 2 weeks early out of the blue, so it could be any time really!! I sure would love to have prayers, we're going for a vaginal birth after cesarean this time, and we believe it will go perfectly!!!

It's a busy time of year for us! I see the chiropractor (finally) on Wednesday, Halloween is Friday, and my youngest daughter turns 4 on Saturday! I'll be thrilled if Quinn waits until after Saturday to make his appearance! ;o) But, we all are so excited to meet him & it'll be exciting to see how it all goes!!!

A peek at me!

Thank you everyone for the well wishes!!! :o)

Here I am today at 22 weeks along, over half way there!!

Take an early look at the little one!

I thought I would share an ultrasound photo! I'm over half way through the pregnancy & finally feeling good most of the time!! It was a sick few months, but I'll take the good & the bad though. I truly love being a part of the miracle of life! It's such an amazing blessing!! So, if anyone still checks in here, thank you for your thoughts, prayers & support. Please take a look at our third child & our first son- Quinn Matthew. :o) We're already in love with the little guy!!!!

Sorry I went missing!!

I didn't mean to leave ya'll hanging! I'm so sorry, I just haven't checked in lately. I've still been pretty ill. The morning noon & night sickness didn't go away at 13 weeks like it did with my girls. Go figure!! I'm still throwing up even. That's alright, it could be a lot worse. Anyway, being online seems to make me even sicker, plus it gives me a headache. Sort of like being sea sick. Thanks so much to those checking in on me, I really apologize for being MIA and causing worry!!

How are things going?

Things are going well. :o) The thought of certain raw fruits are not as repulsive as they were. Like grapes, strawberries, and cantaloupe. I knew my body would come back around! I feel like I could be ready to try a green smoothie sometime soon as well, just not yet.

I began taking FloraVital iron supplement (the yeast free version of Floradix) last Saturday. After one week & 2 days I'm surprised at how much the dizziness and weakness has subsided! That didn't go away when I started eating cooked foods. I did not have any blood tests, so I don't know for certain that I was anemic, but several rawbies that I trust mentioned a strong correlation between morning sickness and anemia. I have a history of being anemic, so I felt prompted to get that supplement.

I also realized just 3 days ago that if I eat something with protein every three hours I can really cut down on the severe nausea. I still feel generally nauseas most of the time, but if I let myself get hungry, I have to go lay down, or sit down & I'm just done. I get very weak & feel like I can't stand. At that point, I pretty much have to wait for food to be brought to me! How ridiculous! But really, I feel like I just can't do anything at that point. It would almost be better if I actually threw up at these times, if that would help me feel better long enough to make some food! I'm glad I figured out the three hour thing, now I can stay on top of it. The past couple of weeks if we're all out at church functions, or shopping, etc I'll look at Greg and say "I'm getting hungry" and he immediately goes into food find mode! He knows what's coming! Lol. Now, finding snacks & meals with that much protein (that sounds appetizing) is a challenge. Especially on our budget!!

I have had an unbelievable appetite as well. I'm not sure if I mentioned that in my last post. But for my 7 months raw I had a very small appetite. My very first cooked meal, that baked potato that I had- I ate the entire thing (it was huge) and could have eaten more. After 4 days of not being able to keep anything but apple & watermelon down that really surprised me. I would have thought my stomach had shrunk a bit while eating raw. But since that very first cooked meal, I've been eating normal portions in one sitting & sometimes getting more. It's shocking to me. Really. I haven't "overdone" it, but it just surprises me after going so long on such light food.

I know I've gained weight these last couple weeks. I'm trying hard not to let that bother me. When I was pregnant with my girls I didn't let weight gain or loss get to me. But I was very overweight through both of those pregnancies. At least 250 pounds. What I felt back then was that my body was finally doing something right, something amazing! And there weren't many size or shape changes early on because of all the extra weight I was carrying. This time, I find myself very preoccupied with my shape and size. I've gotten very bloated I've gained 10 pounds! It's also my third baby, so I know I've started showing already, but it's mostly bloat. And maybe some of that 10 pounds is water weight. I need to not dwell on it. It's truly is a new experience for me though, actually finding myself concerned about this during pregnancy, and seeing changes so early on!

It seems to be part of an identity crisis I'm experiencing. It's not a true "crisis", just an odd thing to be going through. I'll just spill this out real quick- In the past three months or so my hair has really changed. I've lost about half of it. I always had super thick hair. It sounds silly, but I don't really feel like me without my hair! It seemed to happen when I died it darker. I had been getting highlights to hide my gray hairs and I couldn't afford that anymore. Since using the die from the box, my hair has gradually gotten very thin & the ends are frizzy & curly. So odd. I don't know if the die did it, the rapid weight loss (which seemed steady and safe honestly), or if it could be a deficiency. It's not the pregnancy, since it started before that, but it might make it worse.

Also, the weight loss itself seemed so out of my control. I never exercised, so I didn't make an effort to work on a certain area. Where the weight came off and when was anyone's guess. The last 11 pounds that I lost, when I had the flu, made a bigger difference than you would think. All of the sudden, several places were really saggy. And my knees were bony enough that I had to sleep with a pillow between them. I was waking myself up all night when them knocking each other, it hurt! My dad said he no longer recognized me, even though he sees me weekly and saw the weigh come off gradually. My face looked, and still looks different than it ever has. I'm sure this happens to women who've been overweight for a decade or more. Especially since my early adulthood was spent obese. Everyone looks different in their 30's than form when they were in high school. The last time I was a normal weight was high school.

But anyway- I had been obese & morbidly obese for years. I'm 32 and I was larger than I am now on my wedding day 12 years ago. So that was pretty much my mental size & shape. You know, how you can be very large but when you imagine yourself, or even dream sometimes, you're still small? I had kind of moved past that. Which means my current, still overweight, but no longer morbidly obese body is the new image to get used to. I started eating cooked foods on a Friday. The next day we went to a restaurant for vegetarian burritos. When we got home I literally just sat and stared at myself in the mirror for several minutes. Greg asked what was going on. And it was like, I am this new person- a raw vegan. So different than I was. And I had just taken this new person to a place the old person would have gone to. The new person didn't drink soda, or the huge meaty burrito, but it still created this weird identity issue. I'm still dealing with it obviously, with the hair, the face, the saggy skin, and now the shape changes. I just don't feel like me. I think prayer is the best way to resolve it. I just need to find some quiet time to get still and talk this over with God, you know?!

Well, I really rambled on there!! I hope I made sense, this is new to me & a little hard to explain! Time to go eat... again!

Not so raw for now...

Thank you for your comments of support, encouragement & suggestions last week everyone. After much prayer & way too much thought, I started eating cooked foods last Friday afternoon. And I've been feeling much better. Not 100% better, of course, but I've been keeping food down since I started eating the cooked foods. I've had mostly vegetarian bean burritos & the baked potatoes I was craving. There hasn't been one thing that I've eaten that hasn't agreed with me, or has made me sicker. I was so worried about that! I still get nauseas, but there's something that sounds good, I can eat, and it stays down. I still can't even think about raw foods or green smoothies yet. I know it will come though, I just can't push it or it will take longer to get back to the raw foods.

I asked Greg to pray, and to ask to be released from the raw food conviction as well. At first, I thought that it was wonderful that he was willing to stay raw. But then it felt like a division, a lack of unity in the family. My kids would have been even more confused. He prayed about it for a bit, because like me, he doesn't want to be disobedient to God. Eventually he felt a peace about it & joined me in a bean & rice burrito. He hasn't gotten sick either. He's still eating raw most of the day while at work.

There are lines we will not cross, like overly processed foods, junk foods, or fast foods. We have no desire at all to eat those things. If we did, we still wouldn't eat them, it would be a terrible example to our girls. No ketchup on anything, no soda, no sugar, fried foods, no desserts, I'm sure there are more. I've done my best to explain to our girls why there have been changes recently. And we take opportunities when ordering at restaurants to talk about why we chose a sweet potato instead of fries as a side, or why we drink water as opposed to soda. I think that helps them 'get it'. I don't want them to think that just because we've introduced some cooked foods into our daily routines that all the healthy stuff flies out the window. Because when we used to eat cooked foods, that meant major junk foods. This is new territory!! They love the new variety of foods. I've never seen a 6 & 3 year old so excited to have a baked potato! My goodness.

I'm one of those women that absolutely love being pregnant, even through the morning sickness. The worry & extreme emotional distress of last week was robbing me of my joy! I wanted so badly to do the right thing. And I believe I did. I also believe that I'll be raw again soon, I am not who I used to be. Cooked food doesn't control me anymore & I needed to trust myself & God enough to see that. Thank you to those that pointed that out to me. Yall's support means more than I can say! I love you all, thank you so much!

Raw food crisis

Not to be too dramatic, but this has been the worst week of my raw food life!

The morning, noon, & night sickness has kicked in & every raw food that I've consumed in the last 7 months now disgusts me. :o( I've thrown up only twice, but I can't eat much at all regardless. Tuesday I couldn't keep anything down at all. And all I ate was a young coconut & an orange!! Yesterday I was able to keep down 1 apple and some watermelon. Today I've had an apple.

I had morning sickness this bad with my first pregnancy (except I could keep more food down & had more options that sounded appealing), but not as bad with my second. I'm spending most of the day in bed, too weak to do anything. It's lasting all day & all night & it's complete with dizziness, headaches, and nausea. My poor kids! It's very difficult to even type this up. I had truly convinced myself that I wouldn't have it this time! I had psyched myself out, really! I was so arrogant and thought that 7 months raw would mean I wouldn't have any morning sickness!! That's ok though, positive thinking can't hurt, and hey- no one can tell me it's a mental thing! I also convinced myself that there's no way I'd not be 100% raw throughout this pregnancy!

So, most of you know that I'm raw because of a spiritual conviction, and I'm really conflicted about what to do now. It's tearing me up guys & I don't think I can even explain in writing how distraught I am. I'm promise I'm not being a drama queen, although I'm sure I am very hormonal. I've spent a lot of today in tears over food. Ridiculous! I've cried because I want the foods that sustained me though my other 2 successful pregnancies, like cheese pizza from my fave restaurant, my all time favorite pregnancy meal- a huge baked potato with butter, sour cream, cheddar, and salsa. I also want nachos & burritos and sushi (not the raw kind). :o(

This is what's going through my head while lying in bed and being overwhelmed with waves of nausea morning to night! And I keep praying, thanking God for this little miracle, such a blessing! I also pray for guidance though. This is way more than cravings, I've had intense cravings while pregnant, and this is way more than that! I'm not sure whether these are cravings on steroids, spiritual attack, or time to take a different approach. ????? No answer yet. I'm trying to be still and be patient.

I'm an extremist. It's all or nothing. Several times I've admired and praised other raw foodists for the way they have such a healthy balanced approach to this lifestyle. Like, staying raw 90% of the time, but eating with family with no bad feelings about it. They're able to just go with the flow, and it doesn't send them into a tailspin. But for me, eating any cooked wouldn't just be a very slippery slope, it would be a landslide! I don't see how pregnancy changes that?! I aspire to get to a healthy place where food no longer holds that addictive quality for me & I could easily and effortlessly just eat a bit of cooked and stay high raw. I'm just not sure I'm there. I doubt that I'm there.

On the other hand, I do not want to be so dogmatic about this lifestyle that I end up being prideful or stubborn about it. At the expense of my health & the baby's. I'm not able to eat the raw foods right now, and for some reason eating cooked sounds like it will settle my stomach. So, even though the food would be cooked, it would be nourishment! It might just be in my head though. No guarantee that a vegan burrito, or potato with salsa wouldn't make me even sicker.

I've seen several raw foodists open that door though & regret it tremendously. It seems once you walk away from raw, it's incredibly difficult to go back for a lot of people. Greg said he would stay 100% raw even if I don't, so that we wouldn't go downhill from here. I think it's amazing that he's willing to do that. But it feels very unfair since this journey has been much harder for him than it has been for me.

Also, there's the miscarriage fear. I never had any morning sickness last year when I experienced the miscarriages, so this is actually a great sign, being so sick. But if I were to not be 100% raw anymore and, God forbid, something bad happened- I would blame myself, lets be honest.

Yes, I'm praying, but I just don't have a peace either way about this. I really feel a bit lost, and desperate. Not a good place to be when making a big decision.

7 months raw!

Wow, 7 months already?! I'm actually posting this the night before 7 months raw, because I may be without internet the 13th through the 17th. I didn't want to not have the blog updated though!!

So, things have been kind of tough around here. Since we had the flu, most foods don't really sound good to Greg. It's been hard to go through. It brings up all of those feelings of just wanting to be normal & eat with everyone else. We would be watching TV and I could just see the pain on his face at the sight of Outback commercials and Hardee's burgers. It's not always easy, that's for sure. Two Saturday's ago I was running errands all around town with my girls. I just kept wishing, with an unexpected sadness, that I could stop somewhere and have a normal lunch with them at a restaurant. It would be special, and so typical. That feeling lasted a few days actually, like I was mourning it all over again. I almost cried at an Arby's reuben commercial. :o(

We've stuck through it though. And found out that we love the kale salad in Alissa's recipe book. I've fixed that salad about 10 times in 7 days!! When the salad doesn't appeal to us as much anymore, who knows what we'll go to next. Maybe good ole fresh fruits will sound good again? Being tired of the foods or finding them unappetizing can't last forever right?

I'm still having a green smoothie each day, I know they're so good for us. The kids have a decent glass of it as well. Greg got burnt out on them though, for now. It's really tough to keep him happy. He didn't enjoy the dinner I made last night. It's disappointing, when that happens since of course I want him to enjoy the meals that I prepare. I guess I was lucky when we ate cooked foods, he liked almost everything I cooked. Wish I had the same streak of success with raw! Lol. I know it's frustrating for him as well, he's tired of not enjoying meals & wonders what he should eat. I think he would be happier with more variety. Trying out a lot of recipes isn't really in our budget unfortunately.

So Greg is still at 157. He got down to 155 during the past month, but with all the kale salads (there's avocado in it) he put 3 pounds back on & is very happy with that. I'm happy I finally found a way to get avocados into him!! He told me last night that he's finally ready to exercise!! Yay! So he opted not to take a photo this month since he's reached the finish line. :o) I've posted a photo of his start & finish though!!! Take a look at the before, 8/12/07 and his after 2/12/08 with 83 pounds released total! Isn't he amazing!?! I'm SO incredibly proud of him!! He's still 100% raw, he seems really happy with his weight & now he wants to exercise and bulk up a bit (oh, and find some foods he just loves).

I now weigh 185 pounds, that's 84 pounds released in 7 months!! I released 10 pounds in the past month! Actually, while I had the flu I released 11 pounds in only 6 days. Yikes. So I just gained a pound back & have stayed there. And it feels great!!! That's 111 pounds lost since my highest weight in Jan 2006!

I went ahead and measured, I'm sorry I forgot to do it last month. So the inches lost over the past 2 months are: 7.5! Now that doesn't seem all that impressive. But, amazingly, that means that in 7 months I have lost an even 60 inches!!! Let me elaborate a bit. :o) I've lost 2 inches in my neck since I started raw, 8 inches in my bust, 1.5 inches in each of my upper arms (yay!), 9.5 inches in my waist, and 10 inches in my hips!!! Wow!

I finally got a pair of size 14 jeans!! Yippee! A milestone! So you'll see in the newest photo that they fit much better than the size 20's I was still wearing! Lol! I still can't seem to lose this belly, upper or lower. It's smaller, but still out of proportion. And now I'll be growing a belly in a whole new way. ;o) Who knows if it will ever be trim and fit?! I keep having to buy XL shirts because of my upper arms and upper belly, but the shirts are too lose in the shoulders. I'm not complaining though, I'll take whatever I can get. I abused my body for a very long time & it's going to take a while to get it where it should be. Some things will take longer than others, and I am so thrilled with the great results I've had in the last 7 months. Now, what in the world will my shape & size do during the next 9 months? I can't wait to find out!! I've never gone through a pregnancy below 250 pounds before!

This is such an interesting time! Greg's done with his weight loss & I might be as well for the next 8 months! I say 'might' because I lost weight during my first pregnancy, so I might not gain a bunch with this one since I'm still overweight, and I'm 100% raw. Who knows?! You can be sure I will document it here though!! I've loved sharing all of this with you guys these past 7 months & I'm so excited to continue sharing this journey with you all!!! :o)