Just a matter of time

Like I've been saying for a while... I'm coming to place, where I feel the need to return to raw.

I know, I've been saying it for too long. It's about time I actually arrive at that place & make that change!

The place where I find myself now is the point where I feel like I want to feel better, more than I want to taste a certain food. That tipping point where the health & the shape & the size feel more important than the instant gratification of whatever it is I'm craving at the moment. It's sad that I have to get so big, and so unhealthy, to reach that tipping point.

I don't *know* that I'm unhealthy, I have no actual health probelms, or diagnosis. BUT, I am so out of shape & get out of breath easily. Diabetes runs in my family something fierce, as does cancer. So, I kind of think of all those illnesses in terms of when, not if. The raw lifestyle might change that reality though.

I think I'm right around 300 pounds. I'm a little concerned about knowing for sure. I'm worried that if I see that number on the scale something might break inside. I saw the scale go to 299 when I was at the end of my second pregnancy. But never saw it go over that. Maybe it would be a good thing to see it? Maybe it would kick my arse into the gear it needs to get into?!

I'm completely addicted to junk again, I haven't had a glass of water in weeks. A glass of water folks!!!! It makes me wonder who the heck I am. How can I know all the things I know & make those kinds of choices. I've been drinking soda like I'll never be able to have it again! And candy bars (Twix to be exact), coffee, mexican food, drive thru lunches. It's just gross. There were lines I said I wouldn't cross when I went back to cooked foods. I did ok with that for a few weeks. But it seems like as soon as I broke that promise to myself, probably the first soda I drank, it was all over. I dove off the cliff. The amount of weight I've gained since Easter 2008 is crazy!

When I began my raw journey August 13, 2007 I was 265, so I'm starting this way above where I started before. What else is different this time? Well, I said over & over back then how thankful I was that my family was on board. That I couldn't imagine doing it without them. Now we'll see just how I do it. Greg wants to eat healthier, but has no desire to go 100% raw again. My kids will certainly eat healthier as I eat healthier, but they aren't going to sweetly comply to eat all raw again either! So, now I'll see what it's like to eat raw but still cook, and still smell the foods I crave while I stand firm and choose not to eat them. Exercise is going to be different as well. I said a few times, the weight I lost was all diet change, I never did more than take a liesurely walk now & then. I wasn't proud of that though! I don't want to be lazy anymore! I would love to give my kids an example of true health. Not just extremes. Extreme laziness is all they've seen from me. :(

I've waited this long because I know me, and I know that I couldn't do this back & forth style. Raw was freedom to me at the time, and going back before I was really ready to surrender, would mean going off & on, failure & success, etc. The raw lifestyle isn't a diet to me, and I couldn't let it become that in my mind. I want my experience to be different, That's what it was back in 2007/2008, and I don't want to mess it up. If I do, I'll see it in my mind like any other diet & I will not succeed. I just know myself well enough to know that. So yea, I've waited too long, but I'm sure there's a reason. Because all this time, since I fell down that slippery slope during my pregnancy with Quinn, I KNEW I would be back. But I also knew it had to be right when I came back.

I lost 85 pounds in 7 months of 100% raw. I've gained 115 pounds in 19 months since then. So, now I need to lose 150 pounds.

I know this post seems rambly. I guess I'm trying to throw all of these random thoughts together, and perhaps they're not very cohesive! Sorry about that!

As soon as I get my VitaMix back (it's on loan to someone who really does need it more than me, believe it or not) I'm back in the Radiantly Raw life guys. I'm anxious, I'm nervous, and I'm a little bit excited. :)

A photo

Easter photo 2009

Spring has sprung!

We're doing okay around here! Quinn is doing great!

We're about to go on our vacation next week. I've been getting things in order to be gone for 9 or 10 days! This will be our first road trip with a baby!! We're very excited!!

I can feel myself coming to a place where I've got to get a handle on this food / weight thing. I feel like I went off the deep end months ago, and I'm finally coming to the surface, gasping for air & being hit with the reality of just how far down I am. Yuck.

It was Good Friday last year when I prayerfully stopped my 7 month long 100% raw diet. If you remember, I did that with a LOT of dread. All my fears have come to pass. I didn't focus on those fears, I just went with the flow, but here's where the flow has brought me! I think the past year has been strange. So many things were absolutely perfect & so very joyful, but my health has gone downhill, and my weight has risen steadily. It's such a contradiction! I feel a little lost in it all & a bit fuzzy headed about it.

So, I know myself well enough to know that after 10 days of eating out while on vacation I'm going to be quite sick of unhealthy standard American food. So, I'm coming full circle. Last year Easter was the day I started eating meat, sweet tea, etc. This year on Easter I start the road back to health. I'll be careful, since I'm breastfeeding and don't want to detox too drastically for Quinn's sake. But enough is enough & I am WAY past enough. I think at this point I've gained about 90 pounds in the last 12 months.

Christine, thank you for your faithfulness, hun! I honestly don't know if I would update even half as often as I do without a gentle nudge from you now and then!! Isn't that terrible!! Well, see, I don't know how to load photos onto my laptop, and I don't like updating without a picture!! But I saw your comment today & said just do it anyway! Stop putting it off. Christine is going to check in & see that same old post again!!!!! LOL! So I took a webcam shot right on the laptop!! Haha!When Greg gets home I'll have him do the upload so I can replace that first photo with some much better recent photos of my little guy!!

In the meantime, here's a webcam pic from when I first got my laptop last Feb and one taken today. Now, I look REALLY rough today, not even a shower! So you know I'm getting brutally honest with myself if I'm posting this photo!!!! Time to pull my head out of the sand and take a long hard look at what I've done to myself! That's not as easy as it sounds.

Where am I now?

Here's my little 2 month old! :o) Oh, he's so precious!!! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has been hectic! Quinn is delightful, and a really good little guy! He's amazingly low maintenance and pretty laid back. :o) But with home schooling and trying to get stuff done during his naps, time just flies by. I'm lucky to get a shower every other day! Ha! Wow, I can't even believe it's been two months!

I have not gone back to raw. It makes me very sad, but I guess I was so sick when I left the raw path that even thinking about those types of foods makes me feel ill even now. The only thing that sounds good are green smoothies (but I haven't made one, it just sounds like I might be able to stomach it), cantaloupe, watermelon, and pineapple. :o( I feel absolutely no conviction at all about going back to raw. That surprises me! I thought I would jump right back into it. ???

Besides life being busy, I haven't really wanted to put myself out here again given my current weight & un-rawness. I mean, I'm far from radiantly raw right now! So I guess I've been hiding in a way. Taking the easy way out and just avoiding my blog.

I gained a LOT of weight during the pregnancy, and now, with Quinn being 9 weeks old today, I feel like I can talk about my disappointment with that. I truly don't want to take away from the bliss I feel from his birth, and from the pregnancy in general though. I'm so incredibly blessed and feel so much gratitude! However, I just feel like the weight thing was out of my control, and I didn't like feeling that way. I didn't like worrying about it during the pregnancy. I didn't go overboard, but the weight just came back steadily regardless.

None of my shirts fit me at all! I've been staying home because I gave away all of my larger sized clothes as I lost weight because I was determined to never be back at this size!

I currently weigh 260 pounds. That's only 5 pounds shy of when I started my raw journey. :o( I fit perfectly into my "before" pants in my pictures. Ugh. Greg weighs 218. There are no words to express how I feel about this. Just... well, no words.... Thinking about it makes me really sad. Not thinking about it makes me feel like I'm in denial and not being fully present.

I've been praying about where to go from here. I want to be healthy, and I felt better when I was thinner. And I want to make sure that I haven't undone the healing that was done in my body during my 7 months raw. I never did get to my goal weight, but I felt better at 185 than I do right now. I just don't want to be obsessed with it. I have this great little guy to enjoy, and they're only tiny & squishy once! I want to focus on my kids, and enjoy them- not worry about food all day long. But, I don't want to just stay at this level either.

Anyway, there's my story. Thank you for keeping up with my life! I'm really hoping I get a clue soon about what's next!

Quinn has arrived!!

He's here!!! He was born yesterday at 2:57pm. :o) We're both doing great!!

He was delivered in route to the birth center! In the front passenger seat of our minivan!!! We were on our way to to our midwife to continue laboring until I was ready to head to the hospital, where I had to be in order to be allowed to attempt a VBAC. Less than 3 hours earlier I was only 1-2 cm dilated! But he had other plans. Lol! It was an incredibly peaceful entrance, no one panicked, and he was so perfect! Greg couldn't even pull over, or stop!

I'm thrilled that I never had to go to the hospital at all! Any "risk" from vbac'ing was gone already and we got to stay at the birth center!

We were home 3 hours later & we're doing so well. I can't believe how perfectly it turned out after all. :o) He was 9 lbs 3 ounces. And I never pushed at all, my body took over and I was just along for the ride! What an experience!

So, I had a successful VBAC, my first unmedicated birth, delivered him myself, and got to be at the birth center!!!!! Words cannot describe our joy & gratitude about it all. God's plans are amazing. I am in awe of how He worked it all out! He granted me the desires of my heart in every single way. :o)

Counting down to meeting our newest addition!

So, 2 weeks or less!! The due date is Nov 7, but my youngest daughter came 2 weeks early out of the blue, so it could be any time really!! I sure would love to have prayers, we're going for a vaginal birth after cesarean this time, and we believe it will go perfectly!!!

It's a busy time of year for us! I see the chiropractor (finally) on Wednesday, Halloween is Friday, and my youngest daughter turns 4 on Saturday! I'll be thrilled if Quinn waits until after Saturday to make his appearance! ;o) But, we all are so excited to meet him & it'll be exciting to see how it all goes!!!

A peek at me!

Thank you everyone for the well wishes!!! :o)

Here I am today at 22 weeks along, over half way there!!

Take an early look at the little one!

I thought I would share an ultrasound photo! I'm over half way through the pregnancy & finally feeling good most of the time!! It was a sick few months, but I'll take the good & the bad though. I truly love being a part of the miracle of life! It's such an amazing blessing!! So, if anyone still checks in here, thank you for your thoughts, prayers & support. Please take a look at our third child & our first son- Quinn Matthew. :o) We're already in love with the little guy!!!!

Sorry I went missing!!

I didn't mean to leave ya'll hanging! I'm so sorry, I just haven't checked in lately. I've still been pretty ill. The morning noon & night sickness didn't go away at 13 weeks like it did with my girls. Go figure!! I'm still throwing up even. That's alright, it could be a lot worse. Anyway, being online seems to make me even sicker, plus it gives me a headache. Sort of like being sea sick. Thanks so much to those checking in on me, I really apologize for being MIA and causing worry!!

How are things going?

Things are going well. :o) The thought of certain raw fruits are not as repulsive as they were. Like grapes, strawberries, and cantaloupe. I knew my body would come back around! I feel like I could be ready to try a green smoothie sometime soon as well, just not yet.

I began taking FloraVital iron supplement (the yeast free version of Floradix) last Saturday. After one week & 2 days I'm surprised at how much the dizziness and weakness has subsided! That didn't go away when I started eating cooked foods. I did not have any blood tests, so I don't know for certain that I was anemic, but several rawbies that I trust mentioned a strong correlation between morning sickness and anemia. I have a history of being anemic, so I felt prompted to get that supplement.

I also realized just 3 days ago that if I eat something with protein every three hours I can really cut down on the severe nausea. I still feel generally nauseas most of the time, but if I let myself get hungry, I have to go lay down, or sit down & I'm just done. I get very weak & feel like I can't stand. At that point, I pretty much have to wait for food to be brought to me! How ridiculous! But really, I feel like I just can't do anything at that point. It would almost be better if I actually threw up at these times, if that would help me feel better long enough to make some food! I'm glad I figured out the three hour thing, now I can stay on top of it. The past couple of weeks if we're all out at church functions, or shopping, etc I'll look at Greg and say "I'm getting hungry" and he immediately goes into food find mode! He knows what's coming! Lol. Now, finding snacks & meals with that much protein (that sounds appetizing) is a challenge. Especially on our budget!!

I have had an unbelievable appetite as well. I'm not sure if I mentioned that in my last post. But for my 7 months raw I had a very small appetite. My very first cooked meal, that baked potato that I had- I ate the entire thing (it was huge) and could have eaten more. After 4 days of not being able to keep anything but apple & watermelon down that really surprised me. I would have thought my stomach had shrunk a bit while eating raw. But since that very first cooked meal, I've been eating normal portions in one sitting & sometimes getting more. It's shocking to me. Really. I haven't "overdone" it, but it just surprises me after going so long on such light food.

I know I've gained weight these last couple weeks. I'm trying hard not to let that bother me. When I was pregnant with my girls I didn't let weight gain or loss get to me. But I was very overweight through both of those pregnancies. At least 250 pounds. What I felt back then was that my body was finally doing something right, something amazing! And there weren't many size or shape changes early on because of all the extra weight I was carrying. This time, I find myself very preoccupied with my shape and size. I've gotten very bloated I've gained 10 pounds! It's also my third baby, so I know I've started showing already, but it's mostly bloat. And maybe some of that 10 pounds is water weight. I need to not dwell on it. It's truly is a new experience for me though, actually finding myself concerned about this during pregnancy, and seeing changes so early on!

It seems to be part of an identity crisis I'm experiencing. It's not a true "crisis", just an odd thing to be going through. I'll just spill this out real quick- In the past three months or so my hair has really changed. I've lost about half of it. I always had super thick hair. It sounds silly, but I don't really feel like me without my hair! It seemed to happen when I died it darker. I had been getting highlights to hide my gray hairs and I couldn't afford that anymore. Since using the die from the box, my hair has gradually gotten very thin & the ends are frizzy & curly. So odd. I don't know if the die did it, the rapid weight loss (which seemed steady and safe honestly), or if it could be a deficiency. It's not the pregnancy, since it started before that, but it might make it worse.

Also, the weight loss itself seemed so out of my control. I never exercised, so I didn't make an effort to work on a certain area. Where the weight came off and when was anyone's guess. The last 11 pounds that I lost, when I had the flu, made a bigger difference than you would think. All of the sudden, several places were really saggy. And my knees were bony enough that I had to sleep with a pillow between them. I was waking myself up all night when them knocking each other, it hurt! My dad said he no longer recognized me, even though he sees me weekly and saw the weigh come off gradually. My face looked, and still looks different than it ever has. I'm sure this happens to women who've been overweight for a decade or more. Especially since my early adulthood was spent obese. Everyone looks different in their 30's than form when they were in high school. The last time I was a normal weight was high school.

But anyway- I had been obese & morbidly obese for years. I'm 32 and I was larger than I am now on my wedding day 12 years ago. So that was pretty much my mental size & shape. You know, how you can be very large but when you imagine yourself, or even dream sometimes, you're still small? I had kind of moved past that. Which means my current, still overweight, but no longer morbidly obese body is the new image to get used to. I started eating cooked foods on a Friday. The next day we went to a restaurant for vegetarian burritos. When we got home I literally just sat and stared at myself in the mirror for several minutes. Greg asked what was going on. And it was like, I am this new person- a raw vegan. So different than I was. And I had just taken this new person to a place the old person would have gone to. The new person didn't drink soda, or the huge meaty burrito, but it still created this weird identity issue. I'm still dealing with it obviously, with the hair, the face, the saggy skin, and now the shape changes. I just don't feel like me. I think prayer is the best way to resolve it. I just need to find some quiet time to get still and talk this over with God, you know?!

Well, I really rambled on there!! I hope I made sense, this is new to me & a little hard to explain! Time to go eat... again!