Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Most excellent news!!

I know I still need to update with the 6 month photos, but I just had time to add this, so it'll have to do for now!

If you haven't been reading my blog for the past 6 months & don't know about my miscarriages last year, you might want to go read my very first entry. That way you'll know what I'm talking about!!

During my 22 day juice fast, my main prayer was about pregnancy. I prayed that God would show us when to start trying again. And of course I pray that He will bless us with a successful pregnancy & that I'll never have another miscarriage. After going through the second miscarriage last year, we had intentionally not been allowing pregnancy to be a possibility. Now, this goes against our personal spiritual beliefs. Both of my daughters were planned. My pregnancies last year were surprises. It was lovely to not plan it all out, but, we felt like until whatever was wrong with me was fixed, it would be reckless to get pregnant again. The doctors said I most likely had a polyp, and it would require a saline ultrasound to diagnose it, and then a procedure to remove it.

Back to my 22 day fast... So I prayed that God would guide us, since a decision would have to be made to start trying again, or at least stop preventing, at the very least. Also, at one of the prayer meetings at the church that did the 22 day fast they had prayers for healing. I stood up, and I believed that I was healed, once and for all. The next week, they asked again for anyone who needed healing to come forward. For a split second I considered going. And then I heard in my mind: You're already healed. And in that moment I was so confident of that!

As soon as my fast ended, the very next day, Jan 31st, I told Greg that I had an incredible peace about trying right away, the next cycle. Our new health insurance was about to kick in Feb 1st, and my cycle was just starting.

4 days later my sister found out she was unexpectedly pregnant! Of course I was happy for her, but I was also attacked with the strangest doubts suddenly. It seemed like the enemy was filling my head with thoughts such as "you'll never have another successful pregnancy" and "God isn't going to bless you like that." I really prayed about this and struggled with these feelings. It totally caught me off guard that a blessing for someone else would cause me to doubt something that I had just felt such a peace and confidence about!! Of course, the enemy never attacks us in the way we think he will. It's always the last thing we expect. I was so confused! So, I talked with my friends about it, and my sister. I prayed for days.

That was one emotionally draining week! So draining that I had mentioned to Greg and my sister that I just didn't think I could have all these feelings resolved in time to try this month. I wanted to be completely at peace, and I wanted to be checked out by an OB for confirmation! I wanted to make sure we were doing things in His perfect timing, by His guidance. I wanted it all to be peaceful & perfect. When things didn't seem to be going that way, I was ready to wait longer. There's no way I want to be out of God's timing if I can help it!

By one week later, I felt like I was getting a grip on it all. On Tues Feb 12th, I felt this overwhelming need to surrender. To accept the blessings I have as enough. I had to accept that what I have is just right, perfect even. Not to mention of course that I don't even deserve the blessings that I have! I just knew, in my heart, that I must say to God, "I surrender. If you don't want me to have any more children, I will praise you anyway, love you anyway, and thank you for what I do have." It sounds silly, but this was a hard thing for me to say & mean it. I never take my blessings for granted, really. But I want more babies, and that's a strong feeling for me. I was having a terrible time accepting the idea that I might be done with pregnancies. It's so odd to me how when something is not in our control anyway, we have such a hard time admitting that! It's not like I could ever have more babies without it being in His plan, yet, I didn't want to take no for an answer. So I took something He already controls, and 'let' Him have control over it again. So ridiculous, and yet so human and normal. But, He honors that, cause I've done in other areas of my life & seen amazing blessings after 'giving' it back to Him. Thank you God for your grace & mercy!!

Of course, as soon as as I said those words of surrender, I felt such a peace again about trying this month (and just in time).

I called my OB the next day (our 6 month raw anniversary day!) and asked to get a saline ultrasound. Unbelievably, they had an opening the very next day, Valentine's Day! I asked them if they had anything later in the month- because I had resolved that there was no way I was going to be able to try in Feb, and to hear I needed to come in the next day just sounded crazy to me! They didn't have any other openings for Feb. WOW!

On the way to the appointment the song Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns came on the radio. Maybe you you know it, but I've heard it a hundred times & it spoke to me much differently that morning. You know how the enemy had been telling me since my sister's good news that I wasn't going be pregnant ever again, etc. Here are a few lyrics of the song:
"But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
the voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
and the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth"

The glory part - I had always said that, that whatever was wrong with me was being healed this past 6 months & it was going to be for His glory somehow. I felt very comforted by that song at that moment, and was in tears.

So, first the ultrasound tech did a normal internal ultrasound. And she said things still looked weird to her, and left to get the OB so we could move on to the saline part of the exam. I prayed and told God that I knew everything was alright. No matter what, I knew He was in control & everything was ok. That I believed I was healed. As I was saying this prayer, I had my hand lifted up slightly, because I truly could feel Jesus with me right then and there in that room, holding my hand. I was so calm & felt such peace!

So, the OB came in and did the saline part. They put the saline solution through a tiny catheter inside to open up the uterus. Then, they can see if a polyp is there because it it's more visible that way. It's not a super comfy procedure, but not super painful either.

Turns out they saw absolutely nothing unusual in the saline ultrasound! Whatever it was that caused my miscarriages last year, is gone! That's nothing short of miraculous folks!! Now, of course, I never had a true diagnosis of a polyp. It was their best guess last year and I didn't have health insurance to be able to get the saline ultrasound back then. We didn't want a true diagnosis anyway, or it would have been a pre-existing condition when I did get health insurance. So it's not a medically documented healing. But I know something was wrong & I know whatever it was, it's gone! I know it was healed over these past 6 months of 100% raw foods! When they left the room I literally jumped up and down praising God! And saying Happy 6 month Anniversary & Happy Valentine's Day!! :o)

Oh, and they could tell that the egg hadn't released yet & gave me an idea of when to try (which was the next 2 or 3 days, which is when I had originally planned to try anyhow back 2 weeks before)! I was so thrilled that it was all good news! And so very thankful.

Just a few days before the exam, I was saying how there was no way God could resolve all these issues in one short week, because I had already estimated that we needed to be trying for baby from the 15th to the 17th. And each day of the week He worked something else out for me. Even the ultrasound appointment! Amazing!!

I'm in awe, once again. It all happened in precise timing! Then, Sunday I was sick as a dog, no more trying for baby! There was a window, and that's all we had. It was perfect! And if I don't get pregnant yet (should know in a few days), I'm going to be ok with that. I've made my mind up. ;o)

God gave me a peace about when to start trying. The enemy tried to get me out of God's timing, and while I was ready to wait if God said so, I just prayed even more fervently about it all! And the Lord worked it all out. We ended up going forward in His timing after all. Even when it seemed like there was no way it would all work out in time!

I know this ended up being a very long entry! But I hope everyone realizes how monumental this is for us! I just can't even find enough words to describe how important it all is. Praise God!!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Many apologies for the delay

Where to begin?! Well, just in time for our 6 month raw anniversary, our internet connection was down for 2 days! That figures!!

Then, I got very sick and the next morning my youngest daughter got sick as well. We're still ridiculously ill. Fevers, chills, body aches, head aches, nausea, dizziness, extreme exhaustion, coughs, sore throat, and terrible congestion. My youngest hasn't been awake more than 2 hours in 3 days. Today my older daughter has finally come down with it. We caught it from my sister & her kids. The pediatrician told her it sounds like the flu. I don't think I've ever really had the flu before. I'm praying Greg doesn't get it. I don't think anyone could work with this illness, it's completely knocked us out of commission. I'm still in shock at how terrible we feel. My poor sister & her little ones are still feeling bad, so this doesn't go away quickly either, they had it 2 days before I got it.

So, bottom line, I haven't been able to sit here at the computer to update! I get dizzy, weak & nauseas every time I get up, or, well... do anything at all. I forced myself to send 3 emails, do this quick post, and wash a few dishes. That's the most activity I've been able to endure since Sat night!

Anyway, we did weigh in & we did take photos on the 13th. I just need to feel better so I can do the cropping type photo stuff and get it all online. That takes a little while. And to top it all off, I had some wonderful news on the 14th that totally relates to God's power, miracles, the raw lifestyle, improved health, and my very first post on this blog. I wanted so badly to post it right away with the 6 month stats, I mean it was just perfect timing! And then all this! But I'm telling you, it's amazing, truly praiseworthy news, folks! No...I'm not pregnant! ;o)

I figure if I could make myself spend a little time at the computer today, tomorrow should be even better, right?! So, I'll update as soon as possible, and I apologize for the delay!!

Oh, and I don't know how to do the photos from here on out! There's so many now. Any thoughts? Should I keep all the months together at each month's update, or just do a before shot and current shot from here on out? Ideas?