Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Where am I now?

Here's my little 2 month old! :o) Oh, he's so precious!!! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Life has been hectic! Quinn is delightful, and a really good little guy! He's amazingly low maintenance and pretty laid back. :o) But with home schooling and trying to get stuff done during his naps, time just flies by. I'm lucky to get a shower every other day! Ha! Wow, I can't even believe it's been two months!

I have not gone back to raw. It makes me very sad, but I guess I was so sick when I left the raw path that even thinking about those types of foods makes me feel ill even now. The only thing that sounds good are green smoothies (but I haven't made one, it just sounds like I might be able to stomach it), cantaloupe, watermelon, and pineapple. :o( I feel absolutely no conviction at all about going back to raw. That surprises me! I thought I would jump right back into it. ???

Besides life being busy, I haven't really wanted to put myself out here again given my current weight & un-rawness. I mean, I'm far from radiantly raw right now! So I guess I've been hiding in a way. Taking the easy way out and just avoiding my blog.

I gained a LOT of weight during the pregnancy, and now, with Quinn being 9 weeks old today, I feel like I can talk about my disappointment with that. I truly don't want to take away from the bliss I feel from his birth, and from the pregnancy in general though. I'm so incredibly blessed and feel so much gratitude! However, I just feel like the weight thing was out of my control, and I didn't like feeling that way. I didn't like worrying about it during the pregnancy. I didn't go overboard, but the weight just came back steadily regardless.

None of my shirts fit me at all! I've been staying home because I gave away all of my larger sized clothes as I lost weight because I was determined to never be back at this size!

I currently weigh 260 pounds. That's only 5 pounds shy of when I started my raw journey. :o( I fit perfectly into my "before" pants in my pictures. Ugh. Greg weighs 218. There are no words to express how I feel about this. Just... well, no words.... Thinking about it makes me really sad. Not thinking about it makes me feel like I'm in denial and not being fully present.

I've been praying about where to go from here. I want to be healthy, and I felt better when I was thinner. And I want to make sure that I haven't undone the healing that was done in my body during my 7 months raw. I never did get to my goal weight, but I felt better at 185 than I do right now. I just don't want to be obsessed with it. I have this great little guy to enjoy, and they're only tiny & squishy once! I want to focus on my kids, and enjoy them- not worry about food all day long. But, I don't want to just stay at this level either.

Anyway, there's my story. Thank you for keeping up with my life! I'm really hoping I get a clue soon about what's next!