Saturday, March 13, 2010

Inside my head

On Jan 5th, I said "So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating." That pretty much sums up where I am still.

Here's what's on my mind now...

As a dear friend so eloquently put it, I seem to have a compulsion to kill myself slowly with food. It sounds dramatic, but just as in her own life, my family is riddled with Type II Diabetes on both sides. Cancer abounds (although I now understand that the raw food diet is no garauntee against cancer). Heart problems are an issue on my dad's side of the family. Considering my lifestyle, it doesn't seem to be a matter of if these things will be part of my own life, it's more like a matter of when. These truths weigh heavily on my heart & mind.

Also, the baby thing again. It doesn't jive with our religious beliefs to prevent pregnancy. Yet... if I were to find out I was expecting right now (I'm not) I know I would be thrilled. But wouldn't a lot of the joy be overshadowed by the fact that I'm 300 pounds? I've gone through two pregnancies at over 250 pounds. But that was 5 and 8 years ago! My body has been through a lot since then, mainly because of this weight I lug around. I'll be 35 in 2 months. My back hurts right now as I type this, and it hurts all the time! Who can blame it!? Anyway, I cannot imagine feeling very "well" through a pregnancy at this weight. I always have horrid morning noon & night sickness for the first 3 to 4 months. I need all the help I can get in the feeling great department. I'm one of those women who LOVE being pregnant! I don't want to feel lousy! >sigh< OK, so I can still say I feel healthy, I'm alright. I used to be that way. No, in recent years I'm pigging out on junk all the time. Soda every day, donuts twice a week, frozen yogurt twice a week, pizza, carbs, comfort foods..... I really am killing myself slowly with food. And I decide to continue doing it every hour of every day. :-(

These are the thoughts racing around in my head recently. I'm so tired of the battle. I'm so tired of not being who or what I know I should be. Why on earth does it have to be so hard for some of us? I'm not feeling self pity, I'm feeling anger! Maybe that's not so bad, since in my case, anger usually leads to action. But for now, these feelings suck!