Saturday, March 13, 2010

Inside my head

On Jan 5th, I said "So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating." That pretty much sums up where I am still.

Here's what's on my mind now...

As a dear friend so eloquently put it, I seem to have a compulsion to kill myself slowly with food. It sounds dramatic, but just as in her own life, my family is riddled with Type II Diabetes on both sides. Cancer abounds (although I now understand that the raw food diet is no garauntee against cancer). Heart problems are an issue on my dad's side of the family. Considering my lifestyle, it doesn't seem to be a matter of if these things will be part of my own life, it's more like a matter of when. These truths weigh heavily on my heart & mind.

Also, the baby thing again. It doesn't jive with our religious beliefs to prevent pregnancy. Yet... if I were to find out I was expecting right now (I'm not) I know I would be thrilled. But wouldn't a lot of the joy be overshadowed by the fact that I'm 300 pounds? I've gone through two pregnancies at over 250 pounds. But that was 5 and 8 years ago! My body has been through a lot since then, mainly because of this weight I lug around. I'll be 35 in 2 months. My back hurts right now as I type this, and it hurts all the time! Who can blame it!? Anyway, I cannot imagine feeling very "well" through a pregnancy at this weight. I always have horrid morning noon & night sickness for the first 3 to 4 months. I need all the help I can get in the feeling great department. I'm one of those women who LOVE being pregnant! I don't want to feel lousy! >sigh< OK, so I can still say I feel healthy, I'm alright. I used to be that way. No, in recent years I'm pigging out on junk all the time. Soda every day, donuts twice a week, frozen yogurt twice a week, pizza, carbs, comfort foods..... I really am killing myself slowly with food. And I decide to continue doing it every hour of every day. :-(

These are the thoughts racing around in my head recently. I'm so tired of the battle. I'm so tired of not being who or what I know I should be. Why on earth does it have to be so hard for some of us? I'm not feeling self pity, I'm feeling anger! Maybe that's not so bad, since in my case, anger usually leads to action. But for now, these feelings suck!

6 comments:

rae ann said...

it sounds like you could make great strides if you were to harness your emotions of this up and down roller coaster and create change and action with them. you know what to do. you know how to do it. SO DO IT! don't let any excuse hold you back.

as a recovering baptist, i fully understand your conviction in scripture. i also think that if it's speaking to you that seriously (and literally), you need to follow through with what God is asking of you. you'll feel better in your spirit, your head and your body if you can buckle down.

hang in there... i can't wrap my brain around the challenges you face. i'm excited to watch you move down this path and to watch your family grow!

Angela said...

Resa, I know all about the comfort food. I've stuffed on candy this evening. I'm not hungry. I feel nauseous and I want to go in the kitchen right now and get something else.

It's hard and terrible but I can't stop myself.

You're a strong beautiful woman.

{{hugs}}

Carol@KeepingUpWith said...

Resa, boo! I had no idea, hon! We are gonna get you right and tight - with yummers good food to boot. Forget the garbage, baby girl. It raw too extreme, though?

Resa said...

Yes Carol, apparently raw is too extreme for us. I've tried 4 times, I think, since my successful 7 month stint. All 4 attempts have failed in a way that showed me just how blessed that time was, and how unrealistic it is to expect the same results again. I've cut out lots of garbage, with only Dr. pepper hanging on now. :) I've gone crazy with the junk foods before, but for now, I'm at a good "all things in moderation" place... thank God! ;-) I think the whole foods path we are on now will be our way of life for a long time to come. I'm thankful for all the raw knowledge I have though, goodness I have learned so much! :) Now, how to lose 130 pounds ... psh, no clue, very little diet stuff works for me. But, I'm making positive changes daily, so that's gotta get me somewhere better than where I was yesterday!!

Amber @ Mamas Blissful Bites said...

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Every day is a new beginning and so is every hour. Know that you are beautiful because you ARE BEAUTIFUL and believe it. Raw isn't for everyone but being healthy is. Little changes every day. Start with water! It doesn't matter as long as you take a step, that's a step forward. Good Luck on your journey - I know you can do it.

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