Monday, January 4, 2010

Happy New year

I am so incredibly frustrated with myself right now. Currently, I am sitting here with a miserable scowl on my face that I cannot seem to wipe off, sipping on a cold green smoothie that I do not want & trying to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the blog where perhaps they will stop tormenting me. Ugh. This is going to be another long, rambly post filled with me just spewing my feelings all over the place. I apologize in advance for that...consider yourself warned.

I didn't eat raw at all after we had that financial issue. I just took that opportunity to eat junk through the holidays. Great. Back up to 296, this must be my set point or whatever it's called. My default weight now. Within the last week I went back to drinking Dr. Pepper & Cherry Dr. Pepper at every meal, eating Twix candy bars whenever I felt like it, and making special trips here & there to grab this or that kind of food.

This morning, all I want is to drink a hot cup of coffee & ignore all the alarms going off in my head. :(

The last couple days I've developed a rash, and beginning last night it's gotten really painful & itchy. I have no idea what it's from or why it's here. My gut tells me it's some kind of response to the overload of sugar. This is the only reason I'm drinking this green smoothie. It tastes great, I just don't want it. *sigh* I really don't understand myself sometimes.

At night, I am FILLED with resolve. I know that I know that I know this is what I want- exercise, raw foods, juices, clean eating. Then, I wake up & I'm like a 6 year old who doesn't want to go to school. I feel tired, lazy, cold.... the list is endless really. And I have no desire whatsoever to do what I was so certain I wanted to do just 8 hours before. It's not temptation. It's like the resolve literally dissolved while I was asleep & I just wake up not caring. What is THAT!?!?! And how do I fix it?

Last night, Greg decided he needed to do some fixes, upgrades, etc on our main computer. It's set up with the big plasma tv as the monitor. When he switched it over to view the computer, the screen saver was showing a slideshow of photos from 2 years ago. Suddenly, we all stopped to stare at these memories. The girls were AMAZED that I now look SO different. Delaney was simply shocked. Not in a mean way, not in a hurtful way. She couldn't even find the words to explain it, she was just shocked. Mostly they just recalled the Christmas gifts that year, and the horseback riding at a festival, etc. But behind them, as Greg I sat on the couch staring in shocked silence, we were fighting back tears. Because we looked so vibrant & our girls were absolutely radiant with health & vitality! Greg looked over at me and just said "They looked so much healthier back then." They don't look bad now, but to have seen them that way, put it in perspective for us. How can someone who lived in such a healthy way, choose to not return to that? Especially for her children? Especially when my own parents are declining at young ages right in front of me? How is it that I don't care enough to improve?

Next, I went to take a shower. And this tame rash that was taking over the 3 days prior suddenly went nuts! It wasn't really bothering me before, but when the water hit my skin it started itching and burning. I wanted to claw my skin off! An hour later it was still raging. I fell asleep shuddering with pain! And I was praying about all of this clutter in my brain & fell asleep during my conversation with God, whoops.

Between the mesmerizing slideshow of what felt like a million years ago & the painful reality of my body screaming out for health...... Why on earth do I wake up today wanting coffee & donuts?

I just went shopping on Friday for junk. I have chips & dip in the house, soda, cookies & a Twix. Then Saturday I went shopping for all the stuff we should really be eating. Green smoothie ingredients, plain pita chips, hummus, celery, salad items. I told Greg as I put that stuff into the cart at Costco, "I don't have any desire to eat these foods."

Why am I so severely lacking in discipline? Why can't I eat these things & stay away from the other things just because I KNOW it's the right thing to do? Why does it have to be about how I feel?

I WANT to be able to go through a drive thru while we're out running errands. I WANT to be able to join in eating the pastries & coffee at church on Sunday morning. I WANT to be able to have a cup of hot cocoa & marshmallows whenever the mood strikes. (I sound like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum!!!!!)

I WANT to radiate health & peace. I WANT to have energy, I cannot remember EVER having energy. I WANT to stay at a weight that's healthy & feels good to me. I WANT to eat what I want & not be fat! I WANT to WANT these raw foods!!!!! I WANT to be healthier for my children. I WANT this mental battle to cease.

All these WANTS are clearly not compatible with each other. And they're all VERY strong desires. So what do I do? :(

One bite at a time, one meal at a time.... well, that's just not working for me. Like I said, I am SO frustrated with myself right now. Hopefully, getting all this out of my head will be a step in the right direction.


RawMama said...

Oh Resa ((((hugs)))))

I hear and understand sooooo much of what you are saying. I have done the exact same thing. I remember stuffing myself with SAD foods that are bad for me and then feeling awful at night and making all sorts of resolutions to eat better the next day because I felt so awful. But then the next morning, not feeling so bad I wanted to eat the bad for me SAD foods again and it would start all over with the "I'll just eat this today and then I'll start tomorrow" business. But that tomorrow never came. And the shopping too. Half the cart filled with junk and half filled with raw goodness. Like your shopping for two different people.
I started tearing up when I read what you wrote about seeing the pictures. I could feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are having so many struggles. I have totally been in your shoes and felt all of these same emotions. I don't know what to say to you to make you feel better, or how to tell you to get back on the path to health. All I can say is that I understand where you are coming from because I have been there myself.
One of the reasons that it is so hard to break the SAD food cravings is because they are addictive. They ARE! They contain all sorts of additives that are specifically designed to get us addicted to them. And it takes awhile to clean your system out and get rid of those cravings.

I do have a couple of suggestions for you :)
1. Read the subheading of your blog. 1 Cor 6:19-20.
2. Read raw food books that explain why raw food is better and talks about what SAD food is really doing to us.
3. Write yourself notes telling yourself how crappy you feel and why you want to eat raw and be healhty. Make a list of all the reasons why you want this. Post it somewhere where you can see it easily.

Love you girl! I feel your pain. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I hope things look up soon. :)

Angela said...

I can't say that I know what you're going though. I can just feel your pain. You're a strong woman and I know that you will be okay! {{{hugs}}}

Jokee said...

When you first started the raw diet, you prayed. Maybe God is the answer this time also. You are a wonderful, strong woman and you will get through this and decide, with God's help, what is best for you and your family. Try using cold water showers while you have the rash (takes away the itch and a bit of the pain).

Radiantly Raw said...

Thank you for reading through my whiney confused thoughts. I still feel lost today. I think you're right though, I need to get back to the point of all this. It isn't about ME. The first time I was successful at this it was about God. I need to get back to that & pray, read, study, etc. Maybe that's where I can find the discipline I need to do what I KNOW is right for me, regardless of how I FEEL. Thank you for the advice, it's helped so much guys. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Recently it helped me when I asked God in prayer to give me a desire for healthful foods. I've been eating high raw for 8 days now. I don't know what tomorrow holds, but I'm grateful that I am enjoying these foods again.

Don't be so hard on yourself if you cannot be all raw right now. You can transition with some cooked vegan foods. (Have you heard of the Daniel diet?) Then incorporate the raw foods that you really enjoy and keep it fun, playing with new recipes and such.

God bless,


Anonymous said...

hi resa! sorry you've had so much trouble. i wonder if you tried to do too much too soon. i saw raw school on you list of links. nora has a yahoo group too, with a WEALTH of info in the archive... i've been transitioning for 5 yrs. i still eat some cooked food most nights... frederic patenaude's The Raw Secrets helped me too - it's in the files or database at the yahoo group site. your babies are adorable!

debbie s