Inside my head

On Jan 5th, I said "So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture (1 Corinthians 6:19-20) on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating." That pretty much sums up where I am still.

Here's what's on my mind now...

As a dear friend so eloquently put it, I seem to have a compulsion to kill myself slowly with food. It sounds dramatic, but just as in her own life, my family is riddled with Type II Diabetes on both sides. Cancer abounds (although I now understand that the raw food diet is no garauntee against cancer). Heart problems are an issue on my dad's side of the family. Considering my lifestyle, it doesn't seem to be a matter of if these things will be part of my own life, it's more like a matter of when. These truths weigh heavily on my heart & mind.

Also, the baby thing again. It doesn't jive with our religious beliefs to prevent pregnancy. Yet... if I were to find out I was expecting right now (I'm not) I know I would be thrilled. But wouldn't a lot of the joy be overshadowed by the fact that I'm 300 pounds? I've gone through two pregnancies at over 250 pounds. But that was 5 and 8 years ago! My body has been through a lot since then, mainly because of this weight I lug around. I'll be 35 in 2 months. My back hurts right now as I type this, and it hurts all the time! Who can blame it!? Anyway, I cannot imagine feeling very "well" through a pregnancy at this weight. I always have horrid morning noon & night sickness for the first 3 to 4 months. I need all the help I can get in the feeling great department. I'm one of those women who LOVE being pregnant! I don't want to feel lousy! >sigh< OK, so I can still say I feel healthy, I'm alright. I used to be that way. No, in recent years I'm pigging out on junk all the time. Soda every day, donuts twice a week, frozen yogurt twice a week, pizza, carbs, comfort foods..... I really am killing myself slowly with food. And I decide to continue doing it every hour of every day. :-(

These are the thoughts racing around in my head recently. I'm so tired of the battle. I'm so tired of not being who or what I know I should be. Why on earth does it have to be so hard for some of us? I'm not feeling self pity, I'm feeling anger! Maybe that's not so bad, since in my case, anger usually leads to action. But for now, these feelings suck!

Going back

I'm still in a funk over all this today. I've not made any healthy changes since my last post while drinking that green smoothie. But, as RawMama pointed out.....

I just pulled up the single post from yesterday and after re-reading all of my crying & whining and asking and pleading, there it was...

It's like it sat there at the bottom of my blog as an answer waiting to be seen. I was just too wrapped up in myself to notice it.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

So, now I'm on a mission. A mission to get back to the place where I felt convicted enough to put this powerful scripture on my blog. Back to the place where I declared that I would never desecrate His temple again with the junk I had been eating.

When we know better, we're responsible to do better. But for a long time now, I've been guilty of knowing better & not doing any better. Choosing the wrong path while having the knowledge of the better path. That's a heavy sin to carry. So, I'll be going through some forgiveness to get back to that place. I know God has forgiven me. But I need to forgive myself & get started on doing the right thing again. God led me here, he'll bring me through it successfully again. I just need to have some quiet time with Him & not as much quiet time with myself.

First, I will go make a green smoothie for lunch, even though I had hot cocoa with marshmallows for breakfast.

Edited to Add: Quinn says num num num while a make green smoothies and claps while the Vita-Mix is running. :-) He loves them so much I had to stop adding flax meal because it was causing him to poop too much. :-/ Here's a couple pics of him. He has to have some before I drink any, and I took a pic of when he started just now, and when he finished. See how much he drank! He'll be back for more!

Happy New year

I am so incredibly frustrated with myself right now. Currently, I am sitting here with a miserable scowl on my face that I cannot seem to wipe off, sipping on a cold green smoothie that I do not want & trying to get these thoughts out of my head and onto the blog where perhaps they will stop tormenting me. Ugh. This is going to be another long, rambly post filled with me just spewing my feelings all over the place. I apologize in advance for that...consider yourself warned.

I didn't eat raw at all after we had that financial issue. I just took that opportunity to eat junk through the holidays. Great. Back up to 296, this must be my set point or whatever it's called. My default weight now. Within the last week I went back to drinking Dr. Pepper & Cherry Dr. Pepper at every meal, eating Twix candy bars whenever I felt like it, and making special trips here & there to grab this or that kind of food.

This morning, all I want is to drink a hot cup of coffee & ignore all the alarms going off in my head. :(

The last couple days I've developed a rash, and beginning last night it's gotten really painful & itchy. I have no idea what it's from or why it's here. My gut tells me it's some kind of response to the overload of sugar. This is the only reason I'm drinking this green smoothie. It tastes great, I just don't want it. *sigh* I really don't understand myself sometimes.

At night, I am FILLED with resolve. I know that I know that I know this is what I want- exercise, raw foods, juices, clean eating. Then, I wake up & I'm like a 6 year old who doesn't want to go to school. I feel tired, lazy, cold.... the list is endless really. And I have no desire whatsoever to do what I was so certain I wanted to do just 8 hours before. It's not temptation. It's like the resolve literally dissolved while I was asleep & I just wake up not caring. What is THAT!?!?! And how do I fix it?

Last night, Greg decided he needed to do some fixes, upgrades, etc on our main computer. It's set up with the big plasma tv as the monitor. When he switched it over to view the computer, the screen saver was showing a slideshow of photos from 2 years ago. Suddenly, we all stopped to stare at these memories. The girls were AMAZED that I now look SO different. Delaney was simply shocked. Not in a mean way, not in a hurtful way. She couldn't even find the words to explain it, she was just shocked. Mostly they just recalled the Christmas gifts that year, and the horseback riding at a festival, etc. But behind them, as Greg I sat on the couch staring in shocked silence, we were fighting back tears. Because we looked so vibrant & our girls were absolutely radiant with health & vitality! Greg looked over at me and just said "They looked so much healthier back then." They don't look bad now, but to have seen them that way, put it in perspective for us. How can someone who lived in such a healthy way, choose to not return to that? Especially for her children? Especially when my own parents are declining at young ages right in front of me? How is it that I don't care enough to improve?

Next, I went to take a shower. And this tame rash that was taking over the 3 days prior suddenly went nuts! It wasn't really bothering me before, but when the water hit my skin it started itching and burning. I wanted to claw my skin off! An hour later it was still raging. I fell asleep shuddering with pain! And I was praying about all of this clutter in my brain & fell asleep during my conversation with God, whoops.

Between the mesmerizing slideshow of what felt like a million years ago & the painful reality of my body screaming out for health...... Why on earth do I wake up today wanting coffee & donuts?

I just went shopping on Friday for junk. I have chips & dip in the house, soda, cookies & a Twix. Then Saturday I went shopping for all the stuff we should really be eating. Green smoothie ingredients, plain pita chips, hummus, celery, salad items. I told Greg as I put that stuff into the cart at Costco, "I don't have any desire to eat these foods."

Why am I so severely lacking in discipline? Why can't I eat these things & stay away from the other things just because I KNOW it's the right thing to do? Why does it have to be about how I feel?

I WANT to be able to go through a drive thru while we're out running errands. I WANT to be able to join in eating the pastries & coffee at church on Sunday morning. I WANT to be able to have a cup of hot cocoa & marshmallows whenever the mood strikes. (I sound like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum!!!!!)

I WANT to radiate health & peace. I WANT to have energy, I cannot remember EVER having energy. I WANT to stay at a weight that's healthy & feels good to me. I WANT to eat what I want & not be fat! I WANT to WANT these raw foods!!!!! I WANT to be healthier for my children. I WANT this mental battle to cease.

All these WANTS are clearly not compatible with each other. And they're all VERY strong desires. So what do I do? :(

One bite at a time, one meal at a time.... well, that's just not working for me. Like I said, I am SO frustrated with myself right now. Hopefully, getting all this out of my head will be a step in the right direction.